Lesson of the Day: Unemployment is Kryptonite to the fairer sex

While approaching the MCG for the Boxing Day Test, I was approached by a young lady who asked if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket to support Cricket Victoria and who deserted me faster than she approached me as soon as I told her that I am unemployed.

Keeping in mind that I was attending an expensive match and that her job was to sell tickets to punters I thought it somewhat surprising that she gave up on me so easily, but reasoned that perhaps it was in the female psyche to get as far away from jobless cricket fans asap.

Signs of Melbourne part II

At least that clears up what it is not.

Signs of Melbourne

I may be no expert, but I don't think this will do positive things for the tourism industry.

Signs of Balwyn

No weird looking dogs allowed in Balwyn.

Top 5 - Reasons Star Wars was immediately popular

I was reading an interview with a film critic some time ago who lamented the popularity of Star Wars (specifically episode 4), stating it was a rubbish film and didnt deserve the popularity. Interesting, I thought, considering its mass appeal including amongst nerds, who are usually a little more thoughtful regarding what they like than, say, your average Spice Girls fan.

Thinking in more detail about why Star Wars was popular, it was easy to come up with reasons (being a nerd myself), but here are my Top 5:

5 - Space Ships
The movie begins with a massive space ship chasing a little one. This meant that there was a giant space ship shop somewhere offering unique choice to the customer. Even Luke (the whiny kid playing with power converters) has one. Awesome.

4 - Robots with personality
OK, one was a camp English gent and the other seemed like a kid with Aspergus syndrome, but they were far more interesting than an Atari 2600.

3 - Princess Leia
In her day, Carrie Fisher was incredibly hot. On top of this, she rode around in space ships and sometimes just lay around in a bikini (Ive always wondered what Jabba would have done with her - and how?). She was also the closest thing to a woman most nerds would see other than their mother too.

2 - The force
The second scene in which we see Vadar involves him choking a man from across the room using only his mind. For any nerd that has been teased about being puny, any jock who is getting lazy or even any person that has had to sit through an infomercial will attest; this 'force' thing could be really cool.

1 - The hero is a nerd
As mentioned above, Luke is introduced as a nerd who watches sunsets and whines a lot. Methinks that the only reason he wasnt decked out EMO-style is that wearing black in the desert is too crazy, even for the future. By the end of the movie he is destroying space ships the size of planets and being hailed as a hero. This had to give the average audience member, who at this point was primairly concerned with destroying pop-corn, some cause for hope ni their own life.

Top 5: Travel Websites

With my time in Greece drawing to a close, I realised that I should get at least a little more organised for my next ports-of-call, or at least work out where I will be going. The best starting place I have found for this has not been Lonely Planet (who wants to lug something the size of War and Peace around Europe for 3 months?) but the tinterweb.

Specifically, the following sites have helped enormously:
5) WikiTravel
This one is only getting started, but its a great place to read reviews of cities (including what to say, where to eat etc) and leave reviews of your own. In its infancy, but its at least a lot easier than carrying a book around.

4) Thorn Tree
This is the Lonely Planets site that could end up replacing their publishing arm. Similar to WikiTravel, though edges it at the moment due to having more content. To its detriment, it isn't well organised, but I suppose that's what forums are.

3) Sky Scanner
Enables the user to look up flights to/from almost anywhere - specifically on cheap airlines. Similar to HostelWorld (below) its usually best not best to book flights through the site, but a great way to find how you can get around.

2) Google Maps
One of the great things about the Lonely Planet was that it always had a map (regardless of quality) of the place you are going, which reduces time spent:
a) being lost; and
b) wandering into slightly sketchy areas (unless you like that sort of thing)

Google Maps has (pretty much) smashed that concept and even lets you know what is in the region and whether the streets are one-way. Further, the scary new invention that is 'Street view' can let you even see what the place looks like.

1) HostelWorld
THE place for finding places to stay on almost any corner of the Earth. This is a brilliant site, enabling reviews of the venues on a manner of categories as well as enabling user comments. You can book through the site, or, look the place up on the web and book seperately (avoiding down-payment etc). I have seen this abused though, with people working at the venues standing over guests while they write their reviews, but its generally tip-top.

Top 5: Oddities about 'Land down under'

Following on from my previous post, I am still 'house sitting' in a Yoga retreat in Greece, busying myself with the gardening and 'sitting on the beach' requirements. Ive also spent quite a bit of time studying, as I have an exam I am flying back to London for in approximately 3 weeks.

I usually spend my time studying in the lounge room, which is a big room that has yoga mats on the floor (no lounge chairs or tables, thank you), that 'Land down under' by Men at Work came on the radio.

As if my situation wasn't strange enough, suddenly I had ecclectic Australian pop from the early eighties to deal with!

Being in a contemplative place though, I started to think about the song in greater detail, which leads me to my top 5 thoughts regarding it:
5) Use of flute
Where on earth did they get the idea to use a flute from? And where else has it been used (within pop music) so successfully? Reminds me of the use of the Xylophone in 'under my thumb' by the Rolling Stones, though could be even better...

4) It went to number #1
OK, its a catchy tune, but how the hell did it go to number one on the charts? Did all the other artists forget to make records in 1983?

3) Why is this big-guy in Brussels giving out free sandwiches?
Is it some strange flemish tradition to answer questions through the medium of food?

2) Why does the song advocate running and taking cover?
Surely Australians aren't that dangerous? Or were the band warning us about the release of their next album? "Who could it be now" was actually a pretty good song.

1) Come to think of it, what the hell is this song about?
Drug-induced back-packing and loss of identity?
Not sure, time to change radio stations.

Lesson of the Day: Dont take travel tips from Dave

Dave

Some six years ago, while I was preparing for my departure to London, a friend took me aside and showed me a map of the tube, pointing out the end of the dark blue line and saying "you have got to go there!".

The place was 'Cockfosters', which is at one end of the Picadilly line, the other end being Heathrow airport. My friend was obviously enchanted with either the name of the place, or the entendre that could be used by saying "I'm going to the other end of the Picadilly line".

With my departure from the UK looming, I managed to convince some good friends to get up early and make the trek with me, not easy considering Cockfosters is a place people usually visit by accident (having fallen asleep on the train etc).

The trip itself was as eventful as the place, if you can imagine the feeling of an early-morning tube ride being converted into a commuter town.

We did though, make it, and made it back to London to take in some more London highlights before my departure, namely; sitting in traffic, standing in queues, drinking at Gordons and being frustrated by bureaucracy.

Dave, if you're out there, don't ask anyone else to go to Cockfosters.

Lesson of the Day: Using a phone

When trying to ring your phone company to cancel your account, ring the number under the line marked 'Customer service and sales' rather than the number on the front of your bill. The number on the front of your bill is your own, and you wont get an answer or your account closed.

signs...again...

This one was quite a relief

More signs

Surely if you can read 'watch for' you can also read 'cars'?

Signs of the times

Odd signs are good for cheap laughs while travelling; "look how un-good thems inglish is, innit?!" etc. So I thought I'd post some of mine here.




And here is one sent in by a friend:

Stay tuned for updates...

Top 5: Kiwis claimed by Australia

Aside from the long-weekend, claiming something as 'Australian' seems to be something of a national pastime amongst my countryfolk, with particular emphasis focussed on anything from the land of the long white cloud.

One recent example is Robbie Dean, the Kiwi rugby Coach who has recently led the under-sized Wallabies into good wins against South Africa and New Zealand itself.

But Robbie is just the latest in a long list of Kiwis claimed as a dinkum-die Aussie. After a very quick filter of the list, I have come up with this Top 5:

5) Russell Crowe

Not really claimed by either side due to general Bogon-ness, and even though he owns the South Sydney Rabbitoes, his first cousin is Martin Crowe (Kiwi cricketing legend). I do like that he throws phones at people though, so will claim him as one of mine.

4) Jane Campion

Dubious as I doubt she has ever claimed to be Australian, but her films are too awesome not to be stolen as our own under the 'Antipodean' banner.

3) Alan Dale

The bolter in this pack, Alan was little known outside his performances in 'Neighbours' until he was picked up by Lost/The OC/Indiana Jones etc etc. Lesser known still was his Kiwi status.

2) Phar Lap

Of course he was Australian...

1) Neil Finn

I could have gone for most of Split Enz here, but Neil has gone on to prominence globally, so it looks better for the sunburnt country to claim him alone.

Top 5: Misconstrued words/names

I was recently talking to someone who was interested in my course and they happened to say "Oh! It's an Adult Education course", which took me back a little.

Am I the only one that things there is something possibly smutty in that? Have I become a victim of our highly politically correct times?

If so, here are a couple of gems that could be misconstrued to the speakers detriment:
5) "Adult Education": Night-school makes it sound no better.
4) "Brown": Its an innocent colour right? Right?
3) "Hang on, my pocket is vibrating": When did this become an innocent statement in the middle of a conversation?
2) "That's quite a mouthful": This list is getting dubious
1) "Come again?": OK, Ive had enough, this is becoming an episode of Graham Norton.

Conspiracy Theorists: Know your place

A little while ago I wrote about conspiracy theorists thinking too much of man-kind and its ability to execute complicated, and even simple, plans.

After a recent encounter at work, Ive now decided that conspiracy theorists probably just think too much of themselves.

This encounter involved myself and a lady from accounts at the coffee machine, which seemed to be out of milk. I tried to open the compartment which houses the milk, though it was locked.

"I wonder why someone would lock the milk up?" I asked aloud

"Well, you could put poison in it!" the woman responded in all seriousness.

This caused me to stop for a moment and ponder why I would want to poison my lactose-friendly colleagues in particular, before I started pondering why I was giving this womans statement far more attention than it deserved, and then started wondering why she hadnt been hit by a bus or come to some sort of end that befalls stupid animals.

Regardless, this interaction can show how people with too little brains can make themselves feel important by adding gravity to a harmless situation.

"But you can't base your theory on one example!" I hear you yell, and you're right. So take Mel Gibson. Sure, he has made some good movies, but the guy obviously isnt the full quid.

His drunken rant about the Jews white-anting the Catholic church is a pretty good example of this, despite the Church not always seeming the vestibule of faith that it should be. The church hasn't sold out to the evil Zionists, it's just another really greedy organisation that preys on the weak.

All this ranting is making me thirsty, its time for a capuccino...

Top Blogs Updated

A while ago I came across one of the most startling Blogs ever, though I may have now found its equal here.

On the subject of which, The Nut Diaries has just started up and is well worth a look.

Question of the Day: What would Darwin think of Led Zeppelin?

For a man that spent over a decade looking at Barnacles, Charles Darwin sure did manage to accomplish quite a lot, even if it wasn't all in his lifetime.

The theory of evolution, in which the strongest evolve to survive was completely groundbreaking and something that I like to reflect upon as I look around me in London today.

For example, the English people seem to have taken to challenging this theory by indulging in one of the Western worlds worst diets and health services, seeing who can survive on a diet of chips and booze mixed with a medical service that just care. Still, the Welsh do seem to be taking it a step further.

Aside from mankind though, music has also greatly evolved since the mid-19th century, which makes me wonder what Darwin would think of (arguably) the peak of musics evolution: Led Zeppelin?

Thought of the day: Conspiracy theorists think too highly of mankind

"When I was young" is a great way to open a sentence. Not only does it make you sound like someone who gets a special parking space at supermarkets, it also means that people relax a little before you continue (as what comes next wont require too much concentration).

So, when I was young, I had to work hard to find ways of procrastinating. I clearly remember being sent into the backyard when I was naughty and all I had to entertain me there was bark. Even now I can remember my favourate pieces of bark.

Kids today, however, have YouTube. Ridiculous. As entertaining as it is addictive, it (like Wikipedia and the rabbit hole) can suck you right in for hours. No need for tree skin these days.

It was during one of my frequent periods of procrastination from study that I found myself in another YouTube spiral that brought me to conspiracy theory videos. Obviously this is where young folks' creativity is now being chanelled (no need for intergalactic bark wars on-line!).

From what I could tell from the conspiracy theory videos, god may not exist but there are people controlling organisations who are pre-determining everything. Now, this may be somewhat true but I seriously doubt that anyone has the ability to pull it off completely.

I work for a large mulitnational company and our network has been smashed this week by one of our more Luddite employees, who accidentally forwarded an attachment in an email to the whole company.

This has affected and morale productivity immensely, but also reminded me of how stupid people actually are, and how planning and pulling off global domination could only be done by an army of robots/zombies/ninjas (and possibly pirates).

If a whopping great company with loads of cash, highly trained staff and excellent technology and practices can be brought to ground by one .jpg, I hardly doubt a government department or some of beardy blokes can set when the next World War will begin.

Hence, I pay as much attention to conspiracy theorists and their prophecies of doom as I do to bark. Actually, bark probably still gets more of a look.

Thought of the Day: An annoying untruth

Being relatively passionate about the environment and development issues, I keep something of an ear to the ground on anything making waves in the field and am routinely shocked at how poorly both sides of the argument are making their case.

For those doubting climate change, if you can't see the link between increased carbon emissions and global warming, then there is little hope for you. But for one last attempt:
Carbon emissions create SMOG
IF smog goes UP,
HEAT gets captured in ATMOSPHERE,
TEMPERATURE increases in ATMOSPHERE,
EVERYTHING in the ATMOSPHERE changes (ice bergs melt, winds alter etc).

And if you dont believe me, try the voice of everyone's lounge room; David Attenborough.

And now, on the other side we have the 'Greenies' or whatever derogatory name you'd like to give them. The shame about this naming convention is that it is often cast over a swathe of people, regardless of the extremities of their views, which can drive well-intentioned people away.

For example, I would be pretty upset with being categorised with Annie Leonard, the presenter of 'The Story of Stuff'. 'The Story of Stuff' is a video detailing how consumerism is bad for the environment, which is true enough. Unfortunately, a lot of the facts that Annie goes into from there are more than misleading.

For instance, she claims that we dont need to replace an entire computer to keep it up-to-date but simply a chip within it. This not only displays a lack of understanding of computing, but also respect for her audience and the truth. By telling one ignorant lie, she completely ruins her entire argument.

What's more, the solutions that Annie presents are optimistic at best (lets all move to communes! etc) and common sense at worst (lets all recycle and buy less). This is another issue with the 'Greenies', that they use preachy solutions (e.g. its BAD to buy STUFF) that arent thought through.

Its similar with the new Prius. Now, I know I have banged on about this before, but what Id like to see is the carbon emissions associated with producing and marketing a new type of car. Wouldnt it be better to convert your current car to a cleaner engine? Even better, shouldn't governments impose taxes related to emissions so that all components of production and usage are covered (rather than make empty promises on food supplies and emissions while enjoying 8-course meals)?

I know that economic theory isnt always that popular left-of-the-centre, but to get any credibility with the middle ground, the 'Greenies' are going to have to lift their game. It might be very well for the likes of GWB to deny global warming, but Annie should know better.

Thought of the day: Heading home, good for business?

Ive begun planning my move back to Australia of late and during the joys of packing and cancelling bills, I came across this article claiming that Business travellers prefer Melbourne to Sydney.

What does this mean? That I wont enjoy Melbourne as much, unless Im on business? I know what I would'nt enjoy, and that's the commute from Melbourne airport to the CBD. Why Melbourne doesn't have a commuter-train is beyond me. Beyond this, why it doesnt have a train from te CBD of Melbourne to Sydney's city centre is also a good question.

I know that Victorians arent that well liked (though who really cares what the rest think?), but surely if the Brits and French can organise to put a train under a body of water between their two capitals, we can too?

That being said, borrowing from French train-engineering might not be the best move, given their history of striking and their lack of success with Connex in Melbourne. The Brits aint in great shakes either, it took me nearly 3 hours to get home from Heathrow the other night, which included an hour on the Heathrow 'Express'.

So perhaps they should borrow from the winning Melbourne model and just forget public transport and simply go for wide streets and good food instead, lord knows it would make a difference to London.

Thought of the Day: Yahoo are tanking

OK, not a great image, but I think you get the idea. The headline reads "Jane McGrath farewelled at emotional funeral". For the uninitiated, Jane McGrath suffered from breast cancer and did a substantial amount of good work to raise awareness and funding for the disease with her husband Glenn through the McGrath Foundation.

Now, while Glenn did play cricket for Australia for sometime, he certainly was not Nathan Bracken, who is pictured. Are the good people at Yahoo deliberately trying to lower their share price by posting stories that are potentially offensive or (at least) misleading/stupid? Stay tuned....

Lesson of the day

Here's one that was passed to me by another student of life:
"If you want to make friends with body-builders, a good way to not do it is:
1) Go to a supermarket;
2) Overload your left arm with pasta and pasta sauce (ensure you are carrying a bag of books with your right arm);
3) Turn quickly to your right, ensuring that the pasta sauce spills from the pile on your left arm and explodes upon hitting the floor - covering all body-builders (and there clean white shoes) in it.

An optional extra point at the end of this is:
4) Run.

Lesson of the day

If you are going to eat Spaghetti Bolognese:
1) Dont wear a white shirt;
2) Pay attention; and
3) Do take a couple of napkins.

Top 5 Cities - Review

The list of most livable cities has once again been published (link here), whose results have thrown me into a deep quandry. Who the hell is writing this list and what is the criterion they are using?

After all, Switzerland makes it into the top 3 twice! Switzerland! Its like Lego land but inhabited by paranoid racists. Doesnt anyone else remember Switzerlands recent immigration policy? Well, heres the poster:

What's more, the majority of these countries are in cold climates, who the hell likes living in a cold climate apart from Eskimos?

Better than Switzerland, Germany has 4 countries in the top 10. This kind-of makes sense, unless you are one of the 20% of unemployed people in the country or a history professor, in which case no-one talks about your subject of choice (particularly events from 1939 - 1944). The cities that they nominated are all nice places, but very staid. This list gave me the feeling that it was put togethor by an over-50s walking club.

Vienna I can see as being in the top 10. Its a pretty city with a vibrant culture, awesome public transport and great cuisine. I was also impressed by how 'outdoorsy' the locals were there, with a number of people braving the elements to go for a run / game of handball etc.

Vancouver is probably a worthy nominee too, though Ive never been, as it has a great reputation for being interesting, safe and clean. But then, it does get to minus 40 degrees and is full of Canadians, the most unoffensive people going around.

Finally, at the bottom of the list, comes Sydney. A beautiful city with great restaurants and cafes, though prohibitively expensive. Whats more, Sydneys best assets (its beaches) are only readily accessible to those in the eastern suburbs. Dont get me wrong, I like Sydney, but I wouldnt want to live there.

So then, what would I consider to be more appropriate and why? Well, I put an importance on the vibrancy, multiculturalism, cuisine, public transport, climate and affordability of a city. There are a couple of other factors too (such as population density etc) but lets just get to my Top 5 cities for quality of life:

5) Galway

4) Chania

3) New York

2) Paris

1) Melbourne

Thought of the day: Zeppelins Rock!

Summer seeems to have (finally) arrived in London, and with it the compulsion for everyone to leave. Though the locals go potty for the sun (disrobing in public and soforth), they seem to enjoy it more elsewhere and take off as soon (and as often) as they can.

The expansion of low-cost airlines has made this easier to do in recent years, though this has become more complicated of late due to the increase in oil prices and the general inconvenience in flying.

To explain the second reason in greater detail, I shall provide the example of Stanstead airport, which is 45 minutes from London on a train that costs £25 for a return ticket. This added cost and time consideration can easily outweigh the attraction of a £15 fare to Malaga, particularly if the fare suddenly doubles due to oil prices.

For the more discerning flyer, the more salubrious airlines are becoming less attractive as well, thanks to such inconveniences as T5 and the prospective inrease in airline taxes.

So what is the Barmy Army to do? In fact, what are any of us who are used to the illusion of eternal low-cost air-fares? Well, where the English have a problem, the Germans often have an answer...

This time its in the form of Zeppelins. Thats right, remember those air-ships that burst into flame to give awesome rock-bands inspiration for their names? Or perhaps you may remember that great scene from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade in which Indy pretends to be a ticket collector on a passenger Zeppelin so as to throw a Nazi overboard?

That's right, Zeppelins appear to be back as a viable travel alternative and why the hell not? Apparently they can travel at 200 kilometres an hour, which is pretty decent indeed and also have the benefits of a lower environmental impact and being able to take-off and land anywhere.

There are, obviously, dangers involved though. These include burning up into massive balls of fire, stray eagles and large winds. Just the other week a French Balloonist (honestly, don't they have anything better to do with themselves?) missed out on some ballooning record when his 'aircraft' blew away. Probably not what you are after when you have a trip to the coast planned.

Still, this is definitely something worth looking into if it can be done to a much smaller scale. I have images of airborn bumper cars in my mind, with very little impact. After all, the Empire State Building was originally designed with Zeppelin landing platforms, which brings me to another benefit; it would be hard to bring down a skyscraper by smashing a balloon into it.

Are Zeppelins the way of the future then? Perhaps all they need is some Hollywood backing (something similar to what the Prius has received would be handy) and some brave or disgruntled passengers, what better place to start looking than T5?

Question of the day - Why is Lindsay Lohan famous?

Lindsay Lohan, or 'Li Lo', seems to be everywhere; but why? I know that she has been in a couple of average movies and she is good looking, but does it deserve the attention she gets?

Am I missing something or is this a sign of age?

Top 5 - Career changes

After calculating my carbon footprint recently (pleased to announce Im well under the national average), the website I was using told me that I could offset my emmissions by paying for trees to be planted by a Bill Oddie approved group.

"Bill Oddie?" Thinks I, "the hairy dude from The Goodies?"

Well, it seems ol' Bill has become something of a conservationist here in the UK, making quite a change from the weird, hairy, drum-playing guy from the BBC show from the early 1980's.

This got me thinking, what are some of the better career changes that I know of, and here are the answers:
5) Bill Oddie
As above. He went from this:











To this:











Goes to show you that the environmentalists were fairly easy when it came to picking spokesmen back then.

4) Peter Garrett
Following on the environmental theme, Peter went from being the front man of Australian band 'Midnight Oil' to The Australian Federal Minister for the Environment.

Here is is in his heyday, and here he is today:















It turns out Peter may not be that awesome at his job, with the Labour government taking away a number of his powers, but they obviously arent going to mess around too much with someone who dances as crazy as Pete.

3) Madonna
From this, to an author of childrens story books.










2) Dexter Holland
Continuing on the musical theme, Dexter went from doing his PhD in molecular biology to the lead singer of a commercial punk-rock band. I guess it has something to do with self-esteem...

1) Albert Einstein



















Scientists are people I generally classify as 'clever', and Albert Einstein was recently voted the most clever of all of them in the 20th Century, thats pretty good for someone who started out as a patents clerk.

Super Powers revisited

A while ago I was wondering about everyday 'Super powers' that people have, inspired largely by Gervoramas' ability to recognise quasi-TV celebrities from the late 1990's.

Since then, Ive been asking people about their own 'Super powers' and come back with some interesting results, such as:

• Public speaking;
• Knowing the price of every item in the supermarket;
• Cathing / reaction time; and
• Sense of smell (though I think this could really work against you too).

For myself, Ive discovered that Im adequate to good at a number of things (e.g. playing piano, writing cricket match summaries and procrastinating) but yet to find my own 'Super power'. It was suggested that it could be Bravado, but I dont think anything that leads to needless injury (such as testing the strength of fish and chip shop windows by being pushed into/through them) counts.

The search continues.

Overheard conversation of the day

Person 1: "You know Craig, dont you?"
Person 2: "I dont think so"
Person 1: "Yeah you do, he was at that party"
Person 2: "Oh, was he the first person you poured cornflakes on?"
Person 1: "That's right"

Thought of the Day: Food maketh the day

ANZAC day was celebrated recently, I did my own bit by baking ANZAC biscuits, respecting the fallen through the medium of baked snacks. But aside from satisfying my appetite, it made me think; how powerful is food as a tool in making a day memorable?

Almost all major celebrations have some sort of associated food-type, think Thanksgiving (turkey), Easter (chocolate eggs), Birthdays (cake) etc.

So is this the 'spin'? And if so, does it take away from the celebration at all? Would your birthday be any less a day without cake or some sort of cake?

Does this mean that the power now lays in the hands of the cooks and bakers? As if celebrity chefs done have enough power, now they have the ability to define what we feel is important! The lesson here is obvious; if you see Jamie Oliver coming - run.

Cleaner living? Give me worms

Being always on the lookout for ways to clean up my act, think locally / act globally, reduce my carbon footprint etc, I recently stumbled upon Hackey City Councils new approach to reducing food waste: worms.

It seems that the council is pushing for people to install worm nests in their homes to assist in reducing the amount of waste produced. I have my doubts, but am willing to give it a go. The main obstacle will be getting the green light from the minister of the interior, who is still coming to terms with other unwanted pets (see earlier posts on mice).

More information on the scheme here and updates to follow.

Top 5 Underrated Countries - Updated (Iceland)

A new addition to my underrated countries: Iceland.
"Iceland?" I hear you ask, "Is that even a place?"

Why yes, it is. It was first inhabited by Irish monks who thought that medievil Ireland wasnt a remote enough place, so took off there. Not a great start as an advertisement for a place, but it gets better.

After the Irish monks came the Nordic Vikings, who convinced the Irish that the party was over and it was time to move on. The Nordics used the place as some sort of 'Thunderdome', with the place seemingly being populated mostly by outcasts and those exiled from society. What better way to make someone feel bad about what they did in a cold country populated by Vikings but send them to a cold country populated by lawless Vikings?

Eventually the Norwegians thought that they should take control of the place, so they did, but then decided it wasnt a good idea and put it on the market (like in Monopoly) where it was bought by Denmark (who also had Pall Mall and Mayfair).

A couple of hundred rolls later the Germans were buying up (or taking) everything, so Iceland bought itself off Denmark while the Danes were busy working out whether they should pay flat income tax or $2,000.

Since then, they have continued living on the edge of the arctic circle as some of the happiest people on earth. Whats more, they have developed a sense of humour unheard of in other Nordic countries (e.g. "Dont like the weather, wait 5 minutes, it gets worse"). I attribute that to the Irish.

Today its a prosperous enough place, with a quaint mix of environmental destruction, environmental preservation, outdoor sports and great food. Also has a thriving cafe scene despite being the size of Albury-Wodonga.

Article of the year?

Whoever said 'no news is good news' obviously never came across this article (they also probably need a lesson in introducing themselves, so that people remember their name, but thats not the point).

Its not too often that a news article excites, but this is something else. Not only does it talk about Colossal animals, but it also talks about them having 'battles' with Sperm Whales! Its like best action movie never made, all it needs is a wise-talking sidekick.

Another great thing about this article is that it is all about Scientists defrosting a giant fish and makes it sound interesting.

The last thing I like about this article is the feeling of 'smell' it leaves you with. Ever walked passed a fish store? Well, multiply that by a Colossal Squid and that is what those Scientists are going through now. Im pretty sure they are glad they spent all that time studying now...

Top 5 - Reasons why the machines won't take over

When not selling my book, I work in IT. This is something of a misnomer though, as I seem to know almost nothing about how computers work. Whats more, I get paid for what I do know and there are still people (my age and younger) who are impressed by the little I (dont) know. Just dont ask me to name them.

I suppose in a perfect world you expect a carpenter to get to work and start sawing or hammering away as soon as they hit the shop, but when I get to work and find my computer not responding Im about as useful as driving lessons to a blind man.

While this does allow for more tea breaks, it doesnt lead me to believe any further in a future in which giant machines dominate our lives (such as that suggested in The Matrix, The Terminator and other movies) but rather one in which hoverboards dont even work over water (such as Back to the Future II).

And here are some more reasons why....

5) Upgrades:

Computers always need upgrading, and very rarely work as well once this has been done. This will make it hard for our metallic overloards (good name for a Metal band, that) to give chase if they are consistently pausing to get the latest version of 'Human Death Chase v1.2.4'

4) The Groundhog Day rule:

Remember when Bill Murray discovered he was immortal in 'Groundhog Day'? While he initially took pleasure in causing havoc, he soon turned to killing himself out of boredom before eventually working towards helping others. So, evil robots soon start topping themselves before becoming our slaves again. No problem.

3) Power:

Unless these supercomputers start finding a better alternative to bio fuels or a way of getting better performance from solar, they will stop being a threat once the non-renewables dry up. Im not suggesting that we all go out and burn coal just to avoid this threat, but lets not rule it out entirely...

2) Compitability:

Similar to the upgrading problem, what are the chances that the killing machines wont be able to accept and work with each other (this takes Mac v. PC to a new level!), or at least wont be able to upgrade themselves by the time that we work out how to corrupt them (e.g. Jeff Goldbloom with a Mac).

1) Laziness:

The assumption here is that all machines are made in their makers image, and therefore will become increasingly like their maker. As I mentioned already, I work in IT and am a pretty lazy person. Any machine that is created in my image, or the image of your standard IT person, isnt going to be so much a threat to mankind as it will be WOW gamers.

Question of the Day - Mice: Darwins loophole?

The trouble with trends seems to be that they are not only (usually) expensive, but also illogical. I live in a converted warehouse, which is very trendy, but is also a very cold and loud place. Being a poor sleeper and sworn-enemy of cold weather, this doesnt make a lot of sense.

Good thing my book has sold so many copies, so I can afford the rent.

Another downside to where I live is that the owners of all the neighbouring warehouses are now converting their buildings into apartments, creating more noise and (less cool still) driving all the mice out of their buildings and into the more warm and settled ones nearby (read: mine).

Now, the thing with mice is that for all the time they spend in labs, they still arent very smart. Most animals evolve to their environment & the threats within them, but not mice.

I was once on Safari in Africa and remember the guide telling me that most Lions will run away when they smell humans, as we are at the top of the food chain and the biggest threat. Well done Lions, take note Mice.

If Mice had any sense at all, they would run for the hills anytime someone with a lab coat approached them, or (at least) stay the hell away from Cheese. Everyone knows that Mice love cheese, so lay it in traps for them. I have found that the mice in my area are quite fond of soft goats cheese, bringing the score to:

Mice: 0

Dylan: 7

Now perhaps Mice are running on the 'ignore threats, just breed' theory, but surely they will get caught out eventually? Didnt Darwin have a rule for this sort of behaviour? Perhaps they have made themselves useful by aiding Scientific research, but that is only until the next useless animal comes along, making them a rather embarassing trend of the past.

Top 5 - Walking jobs

Occassionally you get a lovely day here in London. Well, at least it is sunny and not so cold outside if you wear a jacket and go for a nice walk to keep yourself warm. You could even do so around 'Little Venice', which I sometimes do.

Being rather fond of these walks, I was wondering how I could combine them with an income, and here are my best ideas:

5) Shoe Tester

I wouldnt have believed this existed until I saw it for myself. The downside is that you are walking to someone elses tune, possibly in shoes that arent very comfortable. Also no guarantee of walking outside & has the risk of occassionally needing to run.

4) Shepherd

An immediate step-up from the last suggestion in that you are guaranteed to be outside, taking in the wonders of nature. You also get the option of wearing a lot of tweed, which does wonders for your self-esteem. The down-side is that you have to hang around sheep all day.

3) Caddie

This moves up the list in that it has the potential to be quite well paid, although it does involve following a person in strange attire around a set course for a couple of days at a time. Also involves carrying someone else's golf bag, which takes away that liberated feeling, replacing it with one of servitude.

2) Dog walker

This would be number 1, though the negatives of cleaning up dog crap and the possibility of having to manage a number of wild animals that might not get along and like to bite to each other.

1) Boundary line / pitch marker

Involves turning up to sports grounds and marking out the fields of play. Ive done this once or twice so recognise the importance and also the care and detail involved. Its kind of like a trade, but basically for people that can; walk, carry and see.

Enables you to walk, be involved in sports or get a free ticket that you can then sell, be outdoors on green fields AND get paid.

Sign me up.

Thought of the Day: Losing doesnt make you a loser

I grew up in a very closed society with very little knowledge of the outside world, something that is (sadly) best reflected in my childhood facination with the Brisbane Bears, an Australian Rules football team that started playing in the national competition in 1987.

There had always been State of Origin football, in which the best players of various states squared off, but this was a yearly spectacle as opposed to a weekly showing.

Almost all teams before the Bears derived from suburbs within twenty kilometres of my front door rather than from two thousand kilometres away, making them something of an oddity indeed.

Looking back, I feel their mystique was added to in no end by the fact that they wore Maroon.

The other fascinating thing about the Bears was that they almost always lost, which was also exciting in an odd way, probably showing how I didnt actually understand football but was just fascinated by the fascination surrounding it.

I remember tuning in on Sunday afternoons, wondering how much they would lose by, or how they could manage to stuff-up and possibly win.

These days my interest has passed from Brisbane (now the 'Lions' after a merger with Fitzroy when the league decided there wasnt enough room for two crap teams) to the Bangladesh Tigers, International crickets version of the Bears.

Though Bangladesh's position as a joke has recently been threatened by Zimbabwe, this is mostly due to Zimbabwe's administrators and politicians ability to drive every decent player from the country rather than Bangladesh's improvement.

That being said, Bangladesh did improve considerably while 'Aussie' Dav Whatmore was coach, so much so that he left the team, thereby creating stability in the universe.

Still, I tune in to watch Tiger games whenever I can and talk about their performance with my Bangladeshi neighbours with interest and loyalty.

The most recent of their games (against Pakistan) was a fairly predictable performance, with most batsman getting themselves out despite facing an average-at-best bowling attack, aside from Mahmudullah.

Yes, Mahmudullah. That is his name, and if I ever knew of a reason to get excited about a sportsman outside talent, its their name. All sportsmen have a nickname or name to make them more familiar to fans (think 'Jordan', 'the Don', 'Plugger' etc) and Mahmudullah has his marketing all in order.

Think of the character McLovin from the movie 'Superbad'. So impressed were the cops with his name that they took him out drinking.

So, not only does this bloke have a memorable name, but he is also a good player on a rubbish team, giving punters and strange kids from the suburbs of Melbourne another reason to tune in on a Sunday.

Top 5 Expressions: outdone!

Following on from my earlier post on my favourite expressions, it seems the boys at Cracked.com have outdone me (again?). Still a good read, though it makes me wonder if I have ever had an original thought at all.
No comments, please.

Top 5: things to say in a Kiwi accent

Some people might find this hard to understand, but I find the Kiwi accent to be either hilarious or endearing. I once worked in market research and had to spend a lot of time calling people in New Zealand, I dont think Ive ever had so much job satisfaction though my research certainly suffered due to my inability to laugh and work at the same time.

Now, I know many people cant tell the difference between Australian and Kiwi accents, but well, get stuffed if you cant. Seriously.

For those who dont know what Im talking about, its all in the vowels and their delivery which moves between protestant politeisms and back-row bullishness.

Anyway, my current lack of Kiwi interaction has led me to start creating expressions / sentences that I think sound funny so here are the top 5:
5) Six eggs
4) Power nap
3) Chilly bin
2) Guns 'r Roses are cool
1) Where's the fridge? Oh, theyre it is!

Top 5 Expressions

Being a fan of languages and puzzles, I am often most happy with a good expressions or metaphor in place of the literal. While this has often got me into trouble, not least when a girlfriend of 3 months told me she understood very little of what I was saying (lucky her), I have persevered with 'the patience of a saint' to much enjoyment.

Here are a collection of some of my favourites:
5 - "The proof is in the pudding"

The truth is in the dessert? Nope. Apparently the goodness of the dessert is in its eating, meaning that the truth about something will be revealed in its execution.

Like so many of our food-related services, this expression seems to have been shortened somewhat.

4 - "Doubting Thomas"
An absolute beauty and another doubt-based expression. Used to infer that a person is a disbeliever / cynic, but why Thomas? Well, it seems that St Thomas the Apostle is behind this for doubting the resurrection of Christ, thereby condemning all future namesakes to be associated with distrust, setting them up for a career in politics but little else.

3 - "Smoking the curtains"


A French expression meaning you are out of your mind. It infers that you have been smoking something / anything (curtains, carpet, chairs, tables etc) to make you so. Makes the list for its randomness and playfulness.

2 - "Flat out like a lizard drinking"

An evocative beauty. If to be 'flat out' means to be busy/occupied, then to be flat out like a lizard drinking is to be very busy. Obvious. Really.

1 - "Dont come the raw prawn"

This would flumux most, and seems to frequently do so. The meaning is a request not to be lied to. How this relates to Crustaceans, I couldnt really say. Perhaps raw prawns are slippery or less palatable (to some), but this expression tops the list for its haphazard logic and the reaction it evokes in most.

Other notables...

"Mean as cats piss"
Think of drinking cats piss. Nasty, eh?
"Full as a boot"
Couldnt possibly eat another thing.
"Mad as a cut snake"
Another evocative beauty. Imagine how a snake would react if you cut it. Australia seems to have a number of expressions to indicate the loss of ones sensibility, including "gone troppo" which has left me with a lietime distrust of anyone from Queensland.
"On the tooth"
To be hungry.