Top 5: Observations from Day 1 of the Boxing Day Test

The Boxing Day Test is one of the biggest sporting events of the year in Melbourne, Australia's sporting capital, making it a pretty big deal.

While I normally only go on Days 2 and 3 to allow for the pitch to break up a bit and the crowds to disperse, I took in Day 1 yesterday as I wasn't sure how long the Test would last based on the West Indies form of late.

The Big Deal of a day didn't disappoint, with plenty of low and highlights.  Here are my Top 5:

5. The Fence
The Melbourne Cricket Club erected a security fence around the ground in an attempt to make the ground less attractive and entering it more difficult.  Well done.

For members of an exclusive club that pay a hefty annual membership fee, this must have been a delightful experience for all.

Given that most crowd trouble at the cricket occurs in the Southern Stand, here's hoping less blanket rules are put in place in future.

4. The Crowd
The last Test between the West Indies and Australia was a one-sided event that ended within 3 days, making most pundits think that the famed Boxing Day Test wouldn't be well attended.

Stupid pundits.

Over 50,000 turned up to the game, which a large portion actually watching the game (note: no use of "contest") while others socialised freely in an environment that reminded one of Race Day.

This should be used as an example to Cricket and all Sporting administrators; if you can create an event that people can get to and are excited about - they'll go.

Revolutionary, I know.

3. The Moan
The toss of the coin was won by the West Indies, whose Captain immediately elected to field, leading to a moan by seemingly the entire crowd.

The complaint was obviously that everyone wanted to see a contest between bat and ball, which no-one expected between West Indian bowlers and Australian batsmen.

Clever pundits.

2. Burns & Khawajas awkward date
The last time I saw Joe Burns and Usman Khawaja bat together at the MCG, it was a Sheffield Shield game in which neither impressed.

Yesterday, however, was a different story with both posting centuries and putting on a 200+ partnership.

I'd rather focus on the positives of this achievement, rather than pointing out that Victoria has a better bowling attack than the West Indies. 

Burns was a delight to watch upon reaching his century, jumping in the air, beaming with happiness and kissing his helmet....and seemingly Khawaja on the neck too.

When Khawaja reached his milestone, he gave a much more low-key celebration and did embrace Burns, though with trepidition.

1. The Ambrose Rocket
Watching the West Indies playing mull about in the field dejectedly was pretty tough to watch for those of us that remember how fearsome they used to be.

There is obviously still fire in the side, though unfortunately it seems to be with the coaching staff more than the players.

Seeing Curtly Ambrose give the players an almighty spray that would make most AFL coaches terrified showed how much passion and pride (at least) he had about the game.

Here's hoping it comes to something good.

Question of the Day: Is Cricket Australia selling out Tests to sell out BBL games?

Cricket is in trouble.  Always has been, always will be. 

Cricketing fans, of which I am one, love the game & consider any variation to it as offensive as a threat to a family member, or often worse (depending on the family member).

The summer hasn’t even started in Australia yet and already there is outrage and dismay at the state of the game at home and abroad.

The second Test in Perth was a dead rubber, reflecting the state of a pitch that used to have more bounce than a kangaroo on a trampoline*.  

Seeing the sad state of WACA ground was particularly hard on the cricket fan, this ground of fearsome heat, bounce and afternoon breezes. Many of the commentators lamented its demise, but given that even the sight-screen wasn’t working, perhaps its time to put the old girl down.

At least this guy was brilliant:

In Brisbane, no-one showed up to the game as a result of excuses such as; poor promotion, dogs eating it, lack of interest, the price of tickets and people having to work (splitters!).

Some commentators noted that the Test still got a lot of TV viewers, but how long will that continue for if the standard is this bad?

The next Test, in Adelaide, will be played using a pink ball; allowing the game to be played at night & thus allow the after-work crowd to attend more easily.  Cricket Australia (CA) seems to have given up on giving punters a reason to go to the game (e.g. promotion) apart from expecting them to have nothing else on.

To be fair, it is in Adelaide, so that’s a natural assumption.

Overseas, the state of the once magnificent West Indies cricket continues to find new and exciting ways to knife itself to death in the slowest way possible.

After suspending their Coach for questioning why he couldn’t pick certain players, then re-instating him while telling everyone there is “nothing to see here”, they are now fighting with the regional governments for control of the game.

Meanwhile, the West Indies will be arriving in Australia for a Three Test series soon, with most of their best players (Gayle, Dwayne Bravo, Kieron Pollard) all unavailable due to playing in T20 club games, including CA’s Big Bash League.

Now, I’m not going to be the one to suggest that CA is deliberately killing Test Cricket so as to make more money out of the BBL….no, I think I am.

Thought of the Day: Persist with Nevil?

The injury to Usman Khawaja for the next two Tests of the Australian summer has opened the door for a new batsman, unfortunately its probably Shaun Marsh in this case, to come into the Australian team.

Given Marshs track record, this hardly is an improvement to the Australian batting line up in the short or long term. 

Khawaja has been in good form against New Zealand, even if he has been batting on tracks flatter than the reception to one of my "jokes", so should slot straight back into the Australian side once he is healthy again.

Which raises at least two questions:
1. Shouldn't the team be better off trialing a younger player in Tests against New Zealand and the West Indies?; and
2. Shouldn't the team look to include more of a Batsman-'Keeper (e.g. Chris Hartley) than a 'keeper-Batsman (e.g. Peter Nevill)?

The answer to the first question is, obviously, yes.

Cricket Australia (CA) should pick a young, exciting batsman for a tast of cricket, not the son of the former coach who has had multiple chances but never cemented his spot.

The answer to the second question is more complicated and dropping Nevill would certainly dent his self-confidence and faith in the system.  It would, though, also send a message that runs are important and needed to be in the team.

Top 5: Comparisons between the Black Caps and Australia

The Three Test Series between Australia and New Zealand begins tomorrow at the Gabba, in a contest that is sure to be not-only even, but hotly contested.

Both teams are vastly different in composition and character to what they have been in the past. 

While the Black Caps have traditionally been underdogs in the Test arena, they now have an exciting and balanced side that has had its talents honed in the more explosive shorter forms of the game.

Australia, on the other hand, seem to be going through their second rebuilding phase following on from the 2005-2015 period that went from success-to-disaster-to-success.

 

Not Success

Both teams are young and exciting and full of vim, but who has the advantage?

I’ve had a look at 5 categories of the game & here are my thoughts:

Fast Bowlers

The most competitive category between the two teams, Australia has strongly depended on a strong bowling attack at home and abroad for its success since the retirement of Adam Gilchrist, Matthew Hayden, Justin Langer etc. 

Thankfully (for Australian fans), the majority of Australian fast bowlers can now bat too, which has helped the team out of some pretty dire situations.

Mitchell Starc is in incredible form of late, you suspect that the South Australian 1^st Class and One Day teams are still shaking so badly that you could pick them up on the Richter scale.

Mitchell Johnson is expected to be bowled in short bursts to support Starc and, given his form of…ever, he could produce anything.  Johnson does seem to bowl better at home than away and should be fresh, but who really knows with that bloke.

Given the propensity of Johnson, and to a lesser degree Starc, to be a bit sporadic in their deliveries, it makes sense to bring in a ‘workhorse’ bowler to act like the guy in the S&M club and “tie up an end”.

Peter Siddle is probably the favourate to do so given his experience, efforts in the last Test in England, as well as his track record at the Gabba.  That being said, Mitchell Marsh is a similar bowler, which may change the selectors risk profile for the game & lead them to select the more attacking Josh Hazlewood.

New Zealand are equally strong in the fast-bowling stakes, though rely more on swing than sheer pace, with equally impressive results where the pitch helps. Unfortunately for them, the pitch probably won’t help at The Gabba, so they will need to get wickets with the new ball while it swings.

Trent Boult and Tim Southee tore Australia apart when the 2 teams met at Eden Park during the World Cup, Boult finishing with figures of 10-3-27-5. Frightening.

The ability to replicate that effort would be enough for these two players to win this Test on their own.

Advantage: Australia (just, because of depth)

Batsmen

This is the area where the Black Caps are clearly the better team. 

Australia really only has 2 proven Test Batsmen in the side; Steve Smith and David Warner.  Of those, Warner is often as likely to get out as he is to hit out.

The Australian selectors have taken a massive (and disrespectful) punt by selecting Joe Burns to open and Usman Khawaja to come in at first drop.

Burns certainly looks like he belongs in the Test team, though more as a middle-order bat than an opener.  Khawaja looks like he belongs carrying the drinks, as long as they aren’t too heavy.

Why the selectors didn’t take a punt on more proven First Class performers like Michael Klinger or Callum Ferguson, with either Burns or Khawaja is a bit of a mystery.  

Many thanks to Ric Finlay

The success of selecting Chris Rogers, who had been out of the Test team for sometime but returned from a successful First Class career to forge one of Australia’s best opening partnerships with Warner.

The remaining selected batsmen; Adam Voges and Peter Nevill, are still unproven at Test level while Mitch Marsh appears to be more of a bowling all-rounder than a batsman.

For the lads from the shaky isles, Batting talent and depth is hardly a problem at all.

Brendan McCullum, Martin Guptill and Kane Williamson are three of the best (and most explosive) batsmen in the world, while Tom Latham and Rossco Taylor are both World Class.

Advantage: New Zealand

Spinners

This contest is often the forgotten one when talking about Cricket, but important when talking about Test matches in Australia where all 5 days are often used, resulting in deteriorating pitches.

Mark Craig is a promising young spinner whose forehead is bigger than his off-break. 

That being said, he does have a lot of perseverance and patience, which is needed for an off-spinner in Australia.

Nathan Lyon is often the forgotten man in Australian cricket.  Younger than Craig, he has already played 46 Tests for 162 wickets.

Not a great turner of the ball, Lyon does use flight and bounce (particularly in Australia) cleverly – neither of which Craig seems to have mastered.

Lyon has grown as a bowler in the last few years, gaining confidence from the selectors, his team-mates, the public and himself.  His efforts in Adelaide last summer (12/286) won the match & showed what he could do in a Test match.

Advantage: Australia

Fielding

Both teams are excellent in the field, bringing the skills they have honed in the shorter formats of the game into the Test arena.  Dropped catches are as likely to be seen at the games as this guy.

The comparison of the wicket-keepers is an interesting one to look at. 

BJ Watling is a good wicket-keeper batsman for New Zealand (and formerly South Africa), while Peter Nevill is more of a classical gloveman. 

Nevill is under pressure to score runs in this series as there is seemingly no end of other gloveman in Australia who could step into the Test team.

Latham and McCullum are also both Test-level ‘keepers, so NZ probably have the overall advantage here due to depth.

Advantage: New Zealand

It's Complicated

A complicated category that takes into account culture, leadership, the momentum of the team and other impacts like home-ground advantage.

Much has been made of the enjoyment that the Black Caps team is getting out of playing cricket at the moment, not least under the leadership of brigadier batsman and captain McCullum.

That they are able to enjoy the game this much while the pall of corruption hovers over previous Captain & NZ Cricketing mainstay, Chris Cairns, is truly impressive.

The Kiwis are playing exciting cricket and are clearly enjoying it.  The team has a good mix of youth and experience and are up for the fight.

On the other hand, Australia has recently lost Watto, Rogers, Clarke and Harris.   

Arguably they never had Watto to start with, though he was a good slips fielder.

And Dreamy

Rogers and Harris both leave massive holes in terms of leadership and ability in Test Cricket that won’t be readily plugged by the likes of Burns, Voges, Khawaja or Nevill

Australia’s famous home-ground advantage should come into play, though the level of support the Australian team currently holds with fans, as well as the number of Kiwis living in Australia, should dampen this.

Advantage: New Zealand

Overall:

Australia are treating this series as too much of a warm-up for the future.  While blooding new players is important, it doesn’t need to be done at the expense of success – particularly while the likes of Michael Klinger and Callum Ferguson are available.

New Zealand are in form and won’t be intimidated by this Australian outfit.

The bounce and juiciness of the Gabba pitch will help both sides fast bowlers, but Australia may have the advantage with Lyon.

The second Test in Perth will be a much more even contest, though (again) the bounce may be in Australia’s favour.

For both of these Tests it is unlikely that the Australian batsmen will be able to score enough against the Kiwis, though this is where the depth of NZ bowling attack comes into the question.

The Adelaide Test will be decided by the toss, & the associated impact as to who gets to bat under lights.

Overall, I’m expecting New Zealand to win the series & for at least 2 of Australia’s batsmen (and or Mitchell Marsh) to be dropped be the series end.

Star Wars YouTube clip of the day

Question of the Day: Whats going on with profile pics on ABC News' Twitter feed?

Top 5: Australia v Bangladesh Moments

With the Australian Cricket Teams tour of Bangladesh now cancelled due to scumbags, its probably worth taking some time to reflect on this new cricket rivalry for some of the highlights of past encounters.

While the two teams have been traditionally mismatched, Bangladesh has been rising like a Phoenix from the Ashes of late, while Australia is going through (another) transition period due to retirements.

Though Shane Watsons retirement from Test Cricket is about as relevant as my retirement from Time Traval

Despite the historical imbalance in talent, funding and support between the two teams, here are some of the highlights:

5. The Dizzy Double

A double century is a pretty special effort, a double century for a tail-end batsman is simply bizarre.  A double century from a tail ender in their last innings, before being dropped starts to enter into mythological and trivia night territory.

All of this happened in the Second Test at Chittagong in2006 when Jason Gillespie came in as the night watchman at first drop and stuck around to finish on 201 not out, outscoring the other 5 batsmen (Mike Hussey did get a forgotten 182) and picking up 5 wickets for the match.

4. Testing the Territory

For the uninitiated, the Northern Territory is Australia’s equivalent of the Wild West.  For a start, it’s a Territory, not a State.  Sure, it has its own government, but its basically a big local council.

It’s the place where Crocodile Dundee was from, and that wasn’t a stretch of the imagination.  The local paper, The NT News, is famous for its hilariously “ocker” headlines and takes crocodile coverage very seriously.

It’s a very hot and wet place (when it isn’t being a hot and dry place) that is full of wildlife that is trying to kill you, while also being sparsely populated.

As a result, cricket doesn’t have a huge presence in the ‘Top End’; its just too bloody hot.

So when it was announced that Australia would be playing Bangladesh there, the responses were mixed.  The most common response was “Jeez, I’m glad I’m not playing”, closely followed by “It’s too bloody hot”.

The two-test and three-ODI series were both swept by Australia.

3. Steve Waugh

A notable part of the NT Test Series was Steve Waugh scoring a century, making him the first player to score a test century against 9 other Test playing nations. 

2. Alok Kapali in the Tsunami game

The Tsunami fundraising matches of 2005 were an example of the ICC actually doing something right, raising funds to help those impacted by the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004.

Perhaps the ICC operates best in crisis mode? it would explain why they create so many.

Alok Kapali, the first Bangladesh cricketer to take a Test hat-trick (there’s another one for the Trivia night), was selected for the game as part of the Asian XI; highlighting his and his countries emergence as a cricketing nation.

With the MCG game played in front of 78,000 people, it announced Bangladesh to Australia and the world.

1.     Going kaka in Dhaka

Australia’s tour of the UK in 2005 isnt one that is remembered fondly in Australia for a multitude of reasons. 

Firstly, we lost the Ashes for the first time in 18 years, though the series was possibly the best ever.

Losing the Ashes set in place a number of retirements and changes in the team which it took nearly 8 years to properly recover from.

On top of this, Shane Watson created global mirth and questioning of the fortitude of Australian cricketers for the first time, by sleeping on the floor of a team mates room because he thought he’d seen a ghost.

Another highlight (lowlight?) of the tour was Australias ODI loss to Bangladesh, one of Bangladesh’s greatest victories to that point.

Australia obviously weren’t taking the tour very seriously, with Andrew Symonds ruled out on the morning of the match for being too drunk or hung-over, whichever came first.

Still, full credit to Bangladesh for the win & one which helped establish their place on the International Cricket circuit.

Thought of the Day: The AFL team for the fans

-->

The All-Australian AFL team is a strange product; it is meant to be a reward for AFL players, recognising them for being the best at playing their position for the season gone, but usually just becomes Kevin Bartletts way of trying to stay in the public eye.

It’s a world gone mad where short old, bald guys struggle to compete with the Kardashians for attention

Moreover, the team itself is pretty obvious and not much of a surprise, everyone knows that Nat Fyfe is the best player in the league while Gary Ablett isn’t playing – and the best player in the Universe (including Gaz) if you are from Fremantle. 

If anything, the Team is interesting but not at all for the fans, more the players themselves (particularly if you play for Richmond).

Just saying

So how about an All Australian team for the fans?  One for the kids, who will be tomorrows fans?  One that embraces those that embrace all that is good about the game? One that values entertainment over possessions and fan engagement over rehearsed press responses.

Here we go…

Full Backs:

Heath Shaw: Yes, a little boring in that he is in the actual AFL Team of the Year, but he does play for GWS, so that could inspire the kids to overcome disadvantage to achieve great things.

Ted Richards: A good, old-fashioned full back, Richards reminds you of an Uncle who might rebuke the mailman for being late, or the man at Mitre 10 for cutting the timber too short.   A tough, but fair Full Back.

Jeremy Howe: Probably the first player picked, Howe seems to have a mortgage on the ‘Mark of the Year’ award. “Speccies” are one of the highlights of the game & he is one of the best at them.  Could also be picked as a Tasmanian, as part of the diversity policy.

Half Backs:

Daisy Pearce: Captain of the Melbourne Football Club Womens team and a terrific talent, there is arguably no better representative of how footy can be inclusive and appeal to all than Daisy.  Presenting an award at the Brownlows tonight shows how far the womens game has progressed.

Go Dees

The West Coast Eagles: It seems that the Eagles lost the entirety of their playing squad, back room staff, physios, newspaper delivery boys and even the bloke that lives next door to injury this year.  Despite this, they still had an awesome defence and were exciting to watch.  As a result, I select whoever is still fit enough to play. A great footy story about the little club that could.

Adam Goodes: Another great of the game who has now unfortunately retired, but represented much more than just a footballer.  His achievements in the game were great (multiple Brownlows etc), but his decision to use his position to inform and educate about Indigineous issues helped the game and the country develop. 

Unfortunately, some people didn’t like him for being Black / Speaking out / whatever and so started to boo him.  I’m sure not everyone booing him was racist, but it’s a stupid thing to do and a reason why he makes the team; to show what can be done by footballers in our society above entertainment alone.

I can just imagine a conversation between parent and child watching Goodes:

Child: “Why is everyone booing Goodes?”

Parent: “Because they are”

Child: “What did he do?”

Parent: “He got booed and others joined in”

Child: “Y’all are f&*ked”

Centres:

Marcus Bontompelli: Could be picked on his name alone, he’s also an exciting, creative young player that draws people to the game.

Josh Kennedy (the Sydney one): Kennedy is also a great player but the length of his arms allows twice the entertainment and saves on a trip to the Zoo.

Patrick Dangerfield: Again, gets a few votes for inclusion on his name alone, but is also bloody quick and exciting to watch. 

Half Forwards:

Jarrad Grant: Had points removed for spelling his first name incorrectly, but being the skinniest man alive in a contact sport is admirable and keeps fans on the edge of their seats in the same way people watch car racing for the accidents.

Someone get that man a sandwich

Tex Walker: Similar to Bontompelli, he would get picked on his name alone.  Thankfully can do a few other exciting things and really, really seems to care about winning for his team.

Buddy Franklin: Another creative talent who can entertain equally by kicking goals on the run or missing from straight in front. Also a strong candidate based on his name.

Full Forwards:

Eddie Betts: Exciting, kicks a lot of goals.  An easy selection.

Levi Casboult: Gets picked based on his total lack of talent, showing kids of all ages that you can make it as a professional sportsman despite any natural talent whatsoever.  Also a good reminder of what happens when bad managers keep their jobs.

Ahem.

Ivan Maric: A bit of a controversial selection in that Maric is a ruckman, but I love the idea of the ‘resting ruckman’.  How a position in a modern sports team can be referred to as ‘resting’ is beyond me, though reassuring and reminiscent of calmer times.  Also, he has a mullet.

Ruckman:

Sam Jacobs: Also a diversity policy selection, Sam can help young Ginger kids believe that they too might play professional sports one day and be accepted by society at large.  Suckers.

Ruck Rovers:

Caleb Daniel: Another diversity policy selection, showing the world that AFL is open to short players too.  Caleb is so short he will be able to look kids in the eye when telling them that they too could make it as an AFL footballer, before entertaining crowds by milking a cow while standing up.

Dane Swan: One of the last ‘characters’ of the game, Swanny seems to actually have a life outside the AFL and not take it all that seriously, which is pretty important these days.  Also gets selected on the need to have one Collingwood player in the team else league funding halves.

Interchange:

Max Gawn: You can never have enough ruckmen in a team and Gawn ensures that.  Being a million feet tall and with a beard of equal proportions, Gawn can join Kennedy in doubling the entertainment at a game by keeping the fans from the Zoo / Circus.

Mitch Honeychurch: You guessed it, in on his name alone.

Cyril Rioli: OK, this is another obvious one, but Cyril is an excitement machine. Just ask Bruce McAveney.  Incredible to watch when on song, or even when not singing and playing footy.

Notable Exclusions:

Nat Fyfe: best player in the ablett-less league this season, excluded on his haircut setting a poor example alone.  Admittedly this rule should apply to every player with appalling tattoos in the league too, but that wouldn’t leave me with many to chose from.

Dyson Heppell: See above

The Essendon Football Club: What a shamozzle

Sign of the Times: Steve Smith is a master Batsmen

Advertisement spotted on the weekend:

Nothing particularly special with it, Steve Smith (capless) looking like he is kneeling a bit to swat a ball over long-off.

Looking at it more closely though, his bat is facing towards the bowler; inferring that he hit the ball with the back of the bat or that he faced up left-handed and then spun around to hit it right-handed.

Either way; what a gun.  Never doubted him.

Question of the Day: WHY!?!?

Back in the early 1990's, rap music started to hit the mainstream and was soon grabbed with both hands by advertising executives to start appealing to children.

Unfortunately, most of the results of this push were not nearly as successful commercially as they were pitiful, leaving us with such cultural lows as:

• The Bartman;
• Kangaroo Jack; and
• Poochie

Thankfully, most executives wised up to the embarrassment of these creations & they went the way of the Dodo. Including the way of the rapping Dodo.

Unfortunately though, it seems that the Perth Scorchers missed the memo and are looking to undo all of the good work of the Big Bash league & tarnish the image of themselves, the league and Australian cricketing identity Brad Hogg in the process.

Without further ado Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the rapping leg-spinner.

Star Wars YouTube Clip of the Day

Star Wars YouTube clip of the day

Top 5: Guidelines for a successful Star Wars Re-Boot

The re-release of Star Wars episode 4 on the films 20^th anniversary in 1997 helped bring new fans to the movie, while also allowing old fans (aka. “nerds”) view previously unreleased footage and new digitised footage for the first time.

It also inspired this:

Re-visiting that film, particularly ahead of the release of Episode 7 later this year, is a reminder of all the great components of it: uncomplicated storyline, fantastical setting, recognisable characters and lots of great action.

Given the time in which it was released, being one where Space exploration was becoming a reality & technology was developing at pace, it is little wonder that the film was so successful.

Which brings me to Episodes 1, 2 and 3.

These movies were terrible, utterly terrible.  

Totally and utterly

I have tried several times to enjoy these, but have found sitting through them from start to end hard enough, let alone appreciate.  They do have their moments, but they are few and far between.

As a fan of the original Star Wars films, these movies are similar to spending Christmas with your crap relatives.  You know, they are all weird, ate least one has a sweating / gland disorder, there is never enough food to go around (yet they are mostly mysteriously obese) and you just can’t wait to get out of there and not think about them for another year.

The appointment of JJ Abrams as Director of Episode 7 has given myself and other fans of the series hope that the new movie (at least) will be enjoyable, not least because of the excellent work he did on the re-boot of the Star Trek movie.

Which brings me to think; given that 15-20 years have passed since Episodes 1, 2 and 3 came out; is that enough time to re-boot these episodes and right the wrongs of the past?

The answer is, of course,  ‘yes’.

Exciting is hardly the word I would choose

But what can be done to “fix” the first 3 movies to make them more like 4, 5 and 6 and less like being digested by the almighty Zarlac?  Here’s my 5 Guidelines:

5. Less Dialogue

Obi Wan Kenobi (aka. Ben Kenobi) is one of the main characters in Episode 4, but dies in the first half of the movie and seems to have as many lines as a ghost as he does while living.

The rest of the movie involves (in order):

·       A mid-space battle between goodies and baddies, Bad guys kidnap the lady in charge, robots escape to a desert

·       Robots run away, get kidnapped & sold into slavery

·       Robots run away, get found by young slaver and crazy hermit, older slavers are burnt to a crisp by Bad guys

·       Robots and surviving slave masters go to a bar, cut off someones arm, get a lift with smugglers

·       Bad guys blow up a goodies planet, smugglers and slavers arrive & are captured by Bad guys

·       Smugglers and Slavers free lady in charge, shoot everything, old hermit disappears while being cut in half

·       Massive space battle, Good guys blow up Bad guys space planet

·       Weird medal ceremony where Good guy soldiers are suddenly subservient to a walking carpet (no dialogue at all)

There isn’t a lot of character development, pining, yearning or fretting.  Its mostly shooting and yelling, and It works.  Also, there is magic.  Magic is great.

As opposed to illusions.

4. Less technology

Episodes 4, 5 and 6 have the technology as massive and wonderous, but not overbearing or flash.  The setting for the film is a fairly gritty war-torn galaxy and the technology represents that.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 over-used CGI so much that the technology is neither real nor relatable, it just seems like a giant wank.

Case in point.

The film should be pulled back to basics and have actors sitting in toasters that look like they have seen better days, and walking around sets that look like a car park instead of in front of a green screen the whole time.

Focus on the things that made the first movies relatable and enjoyable.

3. More action

As above, get rid of all the scenes of characters going for picnics, discussing strategy or concerns, talking about the history of midichloriates etc and have more hands being cut off.

This doesn’t include ‘pod racer’ events with kids as contestants.  That just sucked.

2. Get rid of Jar Jar

No compromise here.

1. Don’t make it for kids

This is going to be a hard ask given that Disney now have the rites to Star Wars, but one of the things that made Episodes 4, 5 and 6 great was that kids and adults can both enjoy the films.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 on the other hand seem to be made for video game spin-offs and people that hate themselves.

As mentioned earlier, the kindly old man that mentors Luke (Obi Wan) is introduced to characters as someone that is so chilling that desert people that raid others are afraid of him. 

To emphasise his character; he then goes on to not stop Luke from discovering his family burnt to a crisp (like a Jedi couldn’t stop a teenager on a speeder…), manipulates some soldiers minds, goes to a bar and cuts someones arm off.

Hardly kid friendly stuff, but awesome.

I’ll admit that the introduction of Ewoks was a bit kid-friendly, but even then one of them gets fried and they do brutally murder a lot of soldiers.

So, come on JJ, its time for a re-boot.