The All-Australian AFL team is a strange product; it is
meant to be a reward for AFL players, recognising them for being the best at
playing their position for the season gone, but usually just becomes Kevin
Bartletts way of trying to stay in the public eye.
 |
| It’s a world gone mad where short old, bald guys struggle to compete with the Kardashians for attention |
Moreover, the team itself is pretty obvious and not much of
a surprise, everyone knows that Nat Fyfe is the best player in the league while
Gary Ablett isn’t playing – and the best player in the Universe (including Gaz)
if you are from Fremantle.
If anything, the Team is interesting but not at all for the
fans, more the players themselves (particularly if you play for Richmond).
|
| Just saying |
So how about an All Australian team for the fans? One for the kids, who will be tomorrows
fans? One that embraces those that
embrace all that is good about the game? One that values entertainment over
possessions and fan engagement over rehearsed press responses.
Here we go…
Full Backs:
Heath Shaw: Yes,
a little boring in that he is in the actual AFL Team of the Year, but he does
play for GWS, so that could inspire the kids to overcome disadvantage to
achieve great things.
Ted Richards: A
good, old-fashioned full back, Richards reminds you of an Uncle who might
rebuke the mailman for being late, or the man at Mitre 10 for cutting the
timber too short. A tough, but fair
Full Back.
Jeremy Howe:
Probably the first player picked, Howe seems to have a mortgage on the ‘Mark of
the Year’ award. “Speccies” are one of the highlights of the game & he is
one of the best at them. Could also be
picked as a Tasmanian, as part of the diversity policy.
Half Backs:
Daisy Pearce: Captain
of the Melbourne Football Club Womens team and a terrific talent, there is
arguably no better representative of how footy can be inclusive and appeal to
all than Daisy. Presenting an award at
the Brownlows tonight shows how far the womens game has progressed.
 |
| Go Dees |
The West Coast
Eagles: It seems that the Eagles lost the entirety of their playing squad,
back room staff, physios, newspaper delivery boys and even the bloke that lives
next door to injury this year. Despite
this, they still had an awesome defence and were exciting to watch. As a result, I select whoever is still fit
enough to play. A great footy story about the little club that could.
Adam Goodes: Another
great of the game who has now unfortunately retired, but represented much more
than just a footballer. His achievements
in the game were great (multiple Brownlows etc), but his decision to use his
position to inform and educate about Indigineous issues helped the game and the
country develop.
Unfortunately, some people didn’t like him for being Black /
Speaking out / whatever and so started to boo him. I’m sure not everyone booing him was racist,
but it’s a stupid thing to do and a reason why he makes the team; to show what
can be done by footballers in our society above entertainment alone.
I can just imagine a conversation between parent and child
watching Goodes:
Child: “Why is everyone booing Goodes?”
Parent: “Because they are”
Child: “What did he do?”
Parent: “He got booed and others joined in”
Child: “Y’all are f&*ked”
Centres:
Marcus Bontompelli:
Could be picked on his name alone, he’s also an exciting, creative young player
that draws people to the game.
Josh Kennedy (the
Sydney one): Kennedy is also a great player but the length of his arms
allows twice the entertainment and saves on a trip to the Zoo.
Patrick Dangerfield:
Again, gets a few votes for inclusion on his name alone, but is also bloody
quick and exciting to watch.
Half Forwards:
Jarrad Grant: Had
points removed for spelling his first name incorrectly, but being the skinniest
man alive in a contact sport is admirable and keeps fans on the edge of their
seats in the same way people watch car racing for the accidents.
 |
| Someone get that man a sandwich |
Tex Walker:
Similar to Bontompelli, he would get picked on his name alone. Thankfully can do a few other exciting things
and really, really seems to care about winning for his team.
Buddy Franklin:
Another creative talent who can entertain equally by kicking goals on the run
or missing from straight in front. Also a strong candidate based on his name.
Full Forwards:
Eddie Betts:
Exciting, kicks a lot of goals. An easy
selection.
Levi Casboult:
Gets picked based on his total lack of talent, showing kids of all ages that
you can make it as a professional sportsman despite any natural talent
whatsoever. Also a good reminder of what
happens when bad managers keep their jobs.
 |
| Ahem. |
Ivan Maric: A bit
of a controversial selection in that Maric is a ruckman, but I love the idea of
the ‘resting ruckman’. How a position in
a modern sports team can be referred to as ‘resting’ is beyond me, though
reassuring and reminiscent of calmer times.
Also, he has a mullet.
Ruckman:
Sam Jacobs: Also
a diversity policy selection, Sam can help young Ginger kids believe that they
too might play professional sports one day and be accepted by society at
large. Suckers.
Ruck Rovers:
Caleb Daniel:
Another diversity policy selection, showing the world that AFL is open to short
players too. Caleb is so short he will
be able to look kids in the eye when telling them that they too could make it
as an AFL footballer, before entertaining crowds by milking a cow while
standing up.
Dane Swan: One of
the last ‘characters’ of the game, Swanny seems to actually have a life outside
the AFL and not take it all that seriously, which is pretty important these
days. Also gets selected on the need to
have one Collingwood player in the team else league funding halves.
Interchange:
Max Gawn: You can
never have enough ruckmen in a team and Gawn ensures that. Being a million feet tall and with a beard of
equal proportions, Gawn can join Kennedy in doubling the entertainment at a
game by keeping the fans from the Zoo / Circus.
Mitch Honeychurch:
You guessed it, in on his name alone.
Cyril Rioli: OK,
this is another obvious one, but Cyril is an excitement machine. Just ask Bruce
McAveney. Incredible to watch when on
song, or even when not singing and playing footy.
Notable Exclusions:
Nat Fyfe: best
player in the ablett-less league this season, excluded on his haircut setting a
poor example alone. Admittedly this rule
should apply to every player with appalling tattoos in the league too, but that
wouldn’t leave me with many to chose from.
Dyson Heppell:
See above
The Essendon Football
Club: What a shamozzle
