Sign of the Times: My golf club speaks Japanese and signs its name as "Seve Ballesteros"

Sign of the Times: bank fresco

Dear Bank of Melbourne,

No.

Sign of the Times: Sub 10 Authorised Vehicles allowed in the park

But as many unauthorized vehicles as you like?

Sign of the Times: lost in translation?

Australia's Centrally Contracted Cricketers: Revealed!

Cricket Australia (CA) announced the players that had gained Central contracts for the next 12 months this week, which essentially indicates the players that may be being picked as a priority, but may not.

It also indicates who is less likely to be picked as a priority, but this isn’t necessarily the case.  Nice one CA!

To provide a bit of an idea of who is IN and who is OUT, I’ve compiled the following:

IN:

·      Steve Smith: Captain, batting superstar and former leg-spinning “joker”.  Scores a billion runs in the middle order. Is already on lots of advertisements, so Cricket Australia is confident they can create a weakness for other teams to exploit, as they have done so previously

·      David Warner: Ex-poster boy and opener who has recently been asked to bat more in the middle order, because we don’t have enough players there.

·      George Bailey: A middle order batsman who once hit a 50 in a Test match! Is 33 years old so brings experience and risk of injury to the squad.

·      Joe Burns: Top order batsman who has been asked to open Tests and responded pretty well.  Still finding his feet (they are under his ankles) and getting used to being in the same change room as Shaun Marsh.

·      Nathan Coulter-Nile: West Australian fast bowler who can bowl quickly, if erratically.  Is possibly being given a chance with an eye to the next World Cup, though more likely because he hasn’t been injured this week and is from West Australia.

·      Patrick Cummins: Really, really fast bowler who is always injured.  Played one Test about 15 years ago when he was 8 & won it all by himself.  Continues to get a contract regardless & allowed to play Big Bash, despite the risk of further injury.  Must be great at cutting oranges.

·      Aaron Finch: Poor little bloke who has a unique condition of colour blindness where the only thing he can’t see is a red ball.  Sees the white ball fine and usually plays as an opener, but the selectors are putting middle order batsmen in those spots now.  That’ll teach him.

·      James Faulkner: The best all-rounder of the 2013/14 One Day series and a good performer in the 2014/15 One Day series who has recently become Virat Kohlis bowling machine.  

·      John Hastings: Apparently “The Duke” is “Big Hearted”, which must mean he is a relative of Phar Laps.  I don't know why horses are allowed to play cricket, I guess they are good at running.  You can use that.  Anyway, he seems as good at effort bowling as he is at sweating and hasn't been injured this morning, so should be given a game.

·      Josh Hazlewood: Fast Bowler who doesn't seem to get injured.  PICK HIM EVERY GAME!

·      Usman Khawaja: Batsman who plays in the middle order or opens, depending on how the selectors want to play with his head.  They simply didn't pick him for ages, despite incredible form, so have moved on to something new to mess with him.  Who says they are stuck in their ways?

·      Nathan Lyon: The only spinner in the squad, which puts a bit of pressure on him & is a bit weird as he isn’t an automatic pick for shorter formats, despite gaining national selection through T20 matches. A technique so elastic he seems to be made of rubber.

·      Mitchell Marsh: Western Australian bowler who is rumored to be able to bat a bit.  Could probably be picked as the 3^rd seamer on bowling ability alone, but selectors are confident they can ruin his confidence and career by making him bat at 7 or 8.

·      Shaun Marsh: Left Handed Western Australian Batsman. Has played 17 Tests for an average of 37.  His figures were blown out over the summer when he monstered the West Indies High School XI attack.  Thankfully India pulled him back to reality.  Could be the next Shane Watson, as in: picked for potential, but will probably just keep getting a contract because he is Mitch’s brother and Geoffs son.

·      Glenn Maxwell: Nicknamed “The Big Show” for reasons that have been lost in the sands of time.  In a bad sign, he is revered by selectors AND Channel 9 commentators, so will unlikely ever fulfil his potential.

·      Peter Nevill: An actual, real, breathing wicket-keeper.  Not a wicket-keeper / batsman or batsman/ wicket-keeper, and actual Wicket Keeper.  Perhaps the first sign that selectors have finally gotten over Adam Gilchrist, are back on Tinder and are going for the BEST. You go girls!

·      James Pattinson: Really fast bowler who is injured a lot.  Changed his action to get less injured but that resulted in less wickets, so he went back to the old action.  Expect more injuries.

·      Peter Siddle: A smart but not very fast bowler who gets injured a lot.  Eats a lot of bananas apparently. Is 31 years old, which is ANCIENT for fast bowlers.  Will probably move into a coaching role in the near future.  Did I mention he eats a lot of bananas?

·      Mitchell Starc: Ridiculously good and fast bowler who has been injured a lot of late.  If he can come back to form, he can win any game in any format almost on his own.  Averages 27 with the bat and has a Test high score of 99.  Apparently he can keep wicket too.  Freak. If he didn’t have the ethnic last name and dark hair, you would put your house on him being in more fried chicken advertisements.

·      Adam Voges: West Australian batsman who struggled in England when it mattered but played well against the West Indies Invitational XI and then hit a 200+ against NZ.  Experienced head who will hopefully be able to identify un-injured fast bowlers to the selectors (other than Joel Paris).

OUT

·      Adam Zampa: Young leg-spinner who had a good Big Bash (he even got a wicket using his head!) and has subsequently had good performances in shorter format games, when he was givne a chance to bowl. The same shorter format games Nathan Lyon isn’t selected to play in. 

·      Ashton Agar: Former CA love-child whose form was killed before they could put him on all the fried chicken advertisements.

·      Jon Holland: Another domestic spinner who recently took a 5-for in a Sheffield Shield Final and is available for selection

·      Cameron Bancroft: West Australian Opening Batsman.  Should be picked for these 2 factors alone apparently.  Is also young with heaps of talent in case, you know, the openers stop performing or get moved to the middle order?

·      Kurtis Patterson: See Bancroft, but not West Australian.

·      Another ‘keeper: We used to have heaps of these; Tim Paine, Matthew Wade (though his inclusion in this category is dubious), Bend Dunk (remember him? He actually played for the Australian team at T20 level!) – but don’t seem to need a back up anymore.  I guess Nevill won’t get injured as he isn’t a fast bowler.

Sign of the Times: Hungry Jacks does Product Placement

Seen in 'The Age', April 4, 2016