Top 5: Guidelines for a successful Star Wars Re-Boot

The re-release of Star Wars episode 4 on the films 20^th anniversary in 1997 helped bring new fans to the movie, while also allowing old fans (aka. “nerds”) view previously unreleased footage and new digitised footage for the first time.

It also inspired this:

Re-visiting that film, particularly ahead of the release of Episode 7 later this year, is a reminder of all the great components of it: uncomplicated storyline, fantastical setting, recognisable characters and lots of great action.

Given the time in which it was released, being one where Space exploration was becoming a reality & technology was developing at pace, it is little wonder that the film was so successful.

Which brings me to Episodes 1, 2 and 3.

These movies were terrible, utterly terrible.  

Totally and utterly

I have tried several times to enjoy these, but have found sitting through them from start to end hard enough, let alone appreciate.  They do have their moments, but they are few and far between.

As a fan of the original Star Wars films, these movies are similar to spending Christmas with your crap relatives.  You know, they are all weird, ate least one has a sweating / gland disorder, there is never enough food to go around (yet they are mostly mysteriously obese) and you just can’t wait to get out of there and not think about them for another year.

The appointment of JJ Abrams as Director of Episode 7 has given myself and other fans of the series hope that the new movie (at least) will be enjoyable, not least because of the excellent work he did on the re-boot of the Star Trek movie.

Which brings me to think; given that 15-20 years have passed since Episodes 1, 2 and 3 came out; is that enough time to re-boot these episodes and right the wrongs of the past?

The answer is, of course,  ‘yes’.

Exciting is hardly the word I would choose

But what can be done to “fix” the first 3 movies to make them more like 4, 5 and 6 and less like being digested by the almighty Zarlac?  Here’s my 5 Guidelines:

5. Less Dialogue

Obi Wan Kenobi (aka. Ben Kenobi) is one of the main characters in Episode 4, but dies in the first half of the movie and seems to have as many lines as a ghost as he does while living.

The rest of the movie involves (in order):

·       A mid-space battle between goodies and baddies, Bad guys kidnap the lady in charge, robots escape to a desert

·       Robots run away, get kidnapped & sold into slavery

·       Robots run away, get found by young slaver and crazy hermit, older slavers are burnt to a crisp by Bad guys

·       Robots and surviving slave masters go to a bar, cut off someones arm, get a lift with smugglers

·       Bad guys blow up a goodies planet, smugglers and slavers arrive & are captured by Bad guys

·       Smugglers and Slavers free lady in charge, shoot everything, old hermit disappears while being cut in half

·       Massive space battle, Good guys blow up Bad guys space planet

·       Weird medal ceremony where Good guy soldiers are suddenly subservient to a walking carpet (no dialogue at all)

There isn’t a lot of character development, pining, yearning or fretting.  Its mostly shooting and yelling, and It works.  Also, there is magic.  Magic is great.

As opposed to illusions.

4. Less technology

Episodes 4, 5 and 6 have the technology as massive and wonderous, but not overbearing or flash.  The setting for the film is a fairly gritty war-torn galaxy and the technology represents that.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 over-used CGI so much that the technology is neither real nor relatable, it just seems like a giant wank.

Case in point.

The film should be pulled back to basics and have actors sitting in toasters that look like they have seen better days, and walking around sets that look like a car park instead of in front of a green screen the whole time.

Focus on the things that made the first movies relatable and enjoyable.

3. More action

As above, get rid of all the scenes of characters going for picnics, discussing strategy or concerns, talking about the history of midichloriates etc and have more hands being cut off.

This doesn’t include ‘pod racer’ events with kids as contestants.  That just sucked.

2. Get rid of Jar Jar

No compromise here.

1. Don’t make it for kids

This is going to be a hard ask given that Disney now have the rites to Star Wars, but one of the things that made Episodes 4, 5 and 6 great was that kids and adults can both enjoy the films.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 on the other hand seem to be made for video game spin-offs and people that hate themselves.

As mentioned earlier, the kindly old man that mentors Luke (Obi Wan) is introduced to characters as someone that is so chilling that desert people that raid others are afraid of him. 

To emphasise his character; he then goes on to not stop Luke from discovering his family burnt to a crisp (like a Jedi couldn’t stop a teenager on a speeder…), manipulates some soldiers minds, goes to a bar and cuts someones arm off.

Hardly kid friendly stuff, but awesome.

I’ll admit that the introduction of Ewoks was a bit kid-friendly, but even then one of them gets fried and they do brutally murder a lot of soldiers.

So, come on JJ, its time for a re-boot.