Thought of the Day: AFL mascot results

A friend of mine recently declined coming to a social event on account of him attending the "Lions Wallabies" game.  After a small investigation I discovered he was referring to the Rugby match between the English Lions and the Australian Wallabies.  Apart from being slightly bemused that Australian Rugby players are represented by a small version of an already un-ferocious marsupial, I was also disappointed that the game wasn't being contested between real Lions and Wallabies.

"I'm a Rugby player...raaahhh!" (so cute)

With that in mind I cast my mind to the AFL & wondered if, should teams be represented by their mascots, where they would finish.  Using the a combination of the scientific method and a long lunch, I came up with the following final 18 for the league (from last to first):
18. The Power: I'm not entirely sure what "The Power" is.  Is it electrical Power?  Is it ethereal? Is it Political?  Regardless, when it comes to scoreboard pressure, you need someone to kick goals, not a concept.
17. The Cats: Probably the only time the Cats will finish last in my lifetime.  There is no other mascot as useless on a footy field as a Cat.  Will spend half the time disappearing over the fence and the rest asking to be let in or out.  Will literally be eaten by half their opponents.
16. The Kangaroos: Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of all the animals on my national crest, I just don't think they are up to the task of beating anything that can swoop them from above - or worse.  The 'Roos are obviously gifted with the ability to bound at pace, but I feel that they will be spending most of their time hopping away from danger.
15. The Swans: The least likely to swoop anyone or seem dangerous at all, but Swans are actually a force to be reckoned with. Very protective of their habitats, I'm tipping they will be as good at home as their Sydney counterparts.
14.  The Magpies: The first of the swooping birds on the list, the Maggies are always going to be a chance where shiny silverware is available, though they won't have the size or strength to compete in a serious way with the birds of prey ahead of them.
13. The Eagles: This was a really tough call as there is not much separating the teams ranked from 13 to 11, however the picture I get in my head when I think of an Eagle is Sam from the Muppet Show, and despite his dour leadership, I don't think its enough to get them over the line.

"Kick it straight, Kermit"

12. The Hawks: Why do they finish higher than Eagles but lower than Crows? Because this is my blog, that's why. 
11. The Crows: A bit of a personal favourite, mostly due to a combination of their place in Nordic lore, as well as recent publications regarding their abilities.  Able to hunt in packs, develop strategies and remember targets/enemies, these are the pick of the birds of prey.
10. The Dockers:  Bit of a big call, but I would expect a bunch of shipyard workers to be able to beat a bunch of birds in a game of footy.  Union intervention will probably mean heavy striking though, as well as tight OH&S laws keeping them away from any contact, which is a huge disadvantage against the teams ahead of them, including...
9. The Bulldogs: Will eat any birdlife it comes up against and probably even its young.  Won't play a pretty game of football and will win the hearts and mind of its supporters.  That's right; Mind.  Singular.

Say no more.

8. The Tigers: Possibly the only time in the history of anything where Richmond actually make the eight.  Supporters will still probably tear up their memberships.  Will decimate almost any other animal that it comes up against, apart from the King of the Jungle.
7. The Lions: The last of the animal kingdom to be picked, and with good reason.  While Lions spend most of their time lying around, they are terrifying hunters and don't need much coaching to go for the kill. 

Not playing for draft picks.

6. The Giants: Sure, these guys might be mythical beings and some may argue that they should be left out for not actually existing, but we are talking about playing Footy between Dogs and Birds here, so this is no time to get realistic.  Too big for the teams under them, able to stomp the majority into submission or simply scare them off like Jon Snow while north of the Wall.
5. The Bombers: The highest ranked group that involves any human involvement, the Bombers won't score a lot but they do have the ability to shoot down and drop bombs on their opponents.  It won't lead to long games, but the aerial displays should be entertaining.
4. The Suns: A sun is a giant ball of plasma, that burns gas and emits an extraordinary amount of heat.  A team of suns would literally melt the other team, or actually probably gasify them in an endothermic process.  That's all a bit nerdy, but it all gets a bit serious in the Top 4.
3. The Demons: The only realistic hope I have of seeing my beloved Dees finish at the top-end of the ladder, a team made up of literally Demons would be a hard to beat.  Being undead, immortal, ethereal beings with supernatural powers, the Dees could literally obliterate or torture their opponents for infinity.  Much like the Melbourne Demons team does to its supporters now.

Go Dees. (photo courtesy of abc.net.au)

2. The Saints: If Star Wars taught me anything, it was that George Lucas is a very lucky man.  If it taught me anything else, its that good conquers evil, and as such the Saints will be able to beat the Demons.  While sharing the same immortal & supernatural powers, the Saints will have "good" on their side (as well as St Michaels sword), helping to purge the Red and Blue back into the seventh level of the MCG.
1. The Blues: That's right, you heard it here first.  Nothing can beat depression, not even spiritual beings.  Any time spent on the field with these guys would have the opposition side heading back to the boundary for a quick fix and/or some Leonard Cohen.