Question of the day: Monkey bars, whats the point?

I recently saw some Iraqi soldiers training for action by climbing across monkey bars and wondered, why? What action are they expecting that will require them to spend a lot of time swinging above the ground? Could this be the most useless piece of military training - ever?

Can you imagine it? "Now listen men, I want you to use your arms to lift yourself off the ground and pull yourself towards the enemy. Sure, you will be visible for a long time but its a long fall so at least that will kill you if the enemy doesnt".

I understand that war games are often likened to childrens games, but surely 'hide and seek' would be a better model? Or even 'hide and hide'?

Thought of the Day: Slail

The English seem to have a unique relationship to the weather, it is the cornerstone of all conversations and, it seems, many relationships.

As such, it is much monitored and defined, with its various forms given their own names.
For example:

• Rain is the wet stuff that falls from clouds;
• Hail is the hard, frozen rain that falls from clouds;
• Snow is the soft, frozen rain that falls from clouds; and
• Sleet is somewhere between rain and hail.

So while walking along The Poultry on saturday I was faced with something between Sleet and Hail, not knowing what it was and not having an Englishman on hand to ask, I named it Slail (patent pending). Please refer any Slail related queries to this site in future.

Good day.

Thought of the Day: Save our Sledging

Ive been reticent to write about cricket for some time, as it seems there is a plethora of pedants offering their opinion on developments in the sport lately, but one issue close to my heart seems to be flying under the radar, save this article.

As a background to this post, Im an appalling cricketer but am engrossed by the sport, mostly because it is so un-engrossing. In fact, I am not so willing to call it a sport as a pastime, such are its demands.

I adore the pace, tactics and nuances of the game. It is a game that is open to all and does not glorify itself, or dominate. It is inclusive and within the grasp of anyone.

You can read the paper while the cricket is on. You can watch an over and feel immediately relaxed at the rythmic flow. You can even spend five days absorbed in the multiple variants (weather, pitch condition, ball condition, field setting, batsmans batting arm etc) that converge to produce a result.

Whats more, as a national game it is removed from the ugliness of club sports and assists in highlighting the world at large. Witness anyone, the rising supremacy of India.

This facon de vivre, or even Zen, is what has kept me from writing about it but something is happening that is challenging its status.

Amongst the issues currently threatening the game (mis-administration including over-scheduling etc), it seems that sledging has been singled out and could find its way out the door.

Not being a pedant, I agree that there is no call for personal abuse in life (including cricket), but sledging is one of the highlights of the game. The verbal interplay between opponents, and even team-mates, is what helps make this game so unique and keeps it from the brainless 'trash talk' that has overcome so many other sports (although some have tried to raise themselves by borrowing from it).

I watched a New York Mets game last year and found it quite enjoyable, though had to agree with an American friend of mine that the standard of heckling was poor at best (the standard was yelling "you suck!" which was followed by a self-satisfied nod to ones neighbour). I could only imagine that this is reflected on the field and wept a little, on the inside.

'Chatting' is part of cricket. It ensures that the participants arent taking themselves or the game too seriously, which is what makes it great. Whats more, expecting someone to stand in a field for 5 days in perfect silence isnt so much cricket as an affliction.

So lets stand up for Sledging; next time you wrap a batsman on the pads, tell him if he was any more plumber he'd be fixing toilets. Next time a team-mate drops a catch (which they are certain to do if you play for The Quokkas) ask them if they could catch a cold.

Dont let the marketers and administrators take this and the prospect of the odd relaxing over away from us, life is already far too busy for us to stop talking.

Aussies in London: The question of leaving

Ive overheard a few conversations of late in which Australians in London have discussed the prospect of moving home and how unattractive it is, which brings me to one of my favourate questions; why?

After all, an English colleague of mine recently returned from a business trip to Brisbane (of all places) and was singing its praises. So what, especially at this rather grim time of year in London, is so unattractive about the prospect of Australia?

There seems to be two major arguments against it, both of which seem to be based on the premise, these are:

1) That Australia is only good for settling down; and

2) That there is nothing attractive/exciting happening in Australia.

Both of these seem to be based on the valuation of the things that London offers when compared with Australia, such as good restaurants and cheap travel, rather than the things that Australia does best, such as beaches and space.

It is true that being in London enables you to fly to Venice in less than 2 hours for a weekend away, and that there is always a new club opening or restaurant to try, but do the negatives of London and the positives of Australia not outweigh this?

Dont long winters, hilariously incompetant beaucracy, crowded trains and impersonal people take the shine off the occassional night out / weekend away? And what about the ability to go for a surf after work, or even drive to work?

Apaarently not. As one friend told me; "going to Bondi after work is great, but there is only one Iceberg restaurant on the harbour".

So what does this mean for Australia? What does the country have to do to attract back its brightest and best? Advertise itself as a bustling city? Promote the various cultural activities, or does this work against its 'outdoor' image?

Top 5 - Ordinary Super Powers

After recently being amazed by the ability of Gervorama to recall some-time TV celebrities from circa. 2000 I started wondering what the best normal or ordinary Super Powers would be. Im not talking about flying or invisibility, but skills and abilities that do exist that can amaze / are 'super' impressive.

So here we go:
5) Name that tune. Similar to 3, but slightly less useful. Kind of a 'nice to have'.
4) Reach. A little bit biased here, but being able to reach things easily that are SO high on the shelf, pffff, genius. A close winner over being able to kick a ball a REALLY long way.
3) Trivia. Really helpful at quiz nights, answering those annoying questions that everyone knows the answer to but cant think of, and coversations starters/killers (depending on who you are talking to).
2) Multilingual. Ever been to a restaurant in which the waiter starts yammering away at you in something you have no idea of and then one of your friends just nods and yammers something back? Not only does it have the 'wow'/'super' effect, but is also damn handy.
1) Direction. Imagine never getting lost and always knowing where things are, at least in a round-about way? That would be super.

Thoughts? Comments?

Up next, worst super powers...

Lesson of the Day

As a sociological study, Ive been playing a bit of Wolfenstein 3D in the last fortnight, which some of you may remember as a PC game from the early nineties.


For those of you unfamiliar with the game, the basic premise is that your character is a prisoner of the Nazis (in Castle Wolfenstein) during the Second World War and have managed to overpower a guard and steal his gun.

The game begins with your character in his cell, with the stolen gun, from which point you start tear-arsing around the castle, killing guards and progressing through the castles floors until you get to have a donny-brook with Hitler himself at the end.

Playing this game again has been interesting for a number of reasons, not least how computer games and the stories for them have advanced. For example, your character seems to be the only prisoner in the Wolfenstein Castle, despite it being overrun with soldiers. Also, your character can regain health by eating plates of roast chicken and dog food that seem to be lying about.

If nothing else, it has provided me with a number of important lessons that I thought I would convey:
1) If you have imprisoned someone with three lives in your castle, take (at least) two of the lives off them immediately
2) If you are able to produce roast chickens and dog food with amazing regenerative powers, dont leave them lying around your prison
3) If you have one prisoner in your multi-levelled and uber-patrolled castle, put the majority of the guards around that prisoner
4) Better still, if some of your guards carry machine guns and are more resilient than the ones carrying say, handguns, get them to guard your biggest threat (e.g. your one prisoner)
5) Dont leave, or allow your guards to leave, magazines of ammunition or even machine guns lying around in your prison/castle. It makes it a LOT easier for your one prisoner to escape and, as they say, tidyness is next to godliness.
6) Computer games, even old ones, are great for procrastination

Thought of the day

According to a report in The Guardian, the good people of Britain are increasingly taking it upon themselves to clean up the countryside due to it becoming increasingly littered.

Surely this band-aid measure could simply be assisted by putting all those with OCD to work?

Isnt it time we recognised the talents/possibilities of our agitated friends?

And as a preventative measure, there is already an army of Trainspotters and other anarak sportspeople that could be used to go on 'litter spotting' on the highways.

Top 5 - Film/TV Swordfights

5 - Pirates of the Caribbean - Keith Richards v that Elf dude


Makes it into the top 5 above the swordfight from 'Die Another Day' mostly because it didnt involve Madonna. It did have, however, fighting while walking over a spinning wheel, which is damn cool.

4 - Rush Hour 2 - Chris Tucker v Ziyi Zhang

A screaming Chris Tucker tries some moves on Ziyi, who is this time playing a psycho kung-fu expert in Vegas, rather than a pyscho kung-fu expert in bamboo. He doesnt always use a sword, but parrying her fatal blow with a wad of cash wins my vote.

3 - The Simpsons - Homer v Meathook

This was about the time The Simpsons writers discovered LSD, creating some of the stranger episodes in the series, including a scene in which Homer and Meathook fight for Marge with Harley Davidson motorcycles rather than swords.

2 - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Indiana v Sword-wielding devil worshippers

Following on from (or ahead of?) 'Raiders of the Lost Arc', Indiana is confronted by two blokes with swords looking to chop him up. He smugly goes for his gun, only to realise he has lost it before turning and running. Not much of a sword fight, but then not many of these have been, and it was good comedy value.

1 - The Princess Bride - Wesley (aka. farmboy / the dread pirate Roberts) v Inigo Montoya

The benchmark in film swordfights, it draws you in with some good swordplay, but it is the script that really dazzles;
Inigo: You seem a decent person, I hate to kill you
Wesley: You seem a decent person, I hate to die

Almost makes you want to learn fencing, certainly makes you want to find a man with six fingers on his right hand.

Here 'tis

Overrated Countries - further updates!

You know that feeling you get when you purchase something, and then notice that everyone seems to have it too?

A friend of mine once bought a Volvo and then noticed how many others there were on the road, which eventually led to a sense of pride and community in my friend, who soon started giving the 'V' (victory, not the other) sign to fellow Volvo drivers.

This was his undoing though, as he was so busy giving the salute that he managed to wrap the Volvo around a tree.

But back to my point as since I first wrote about Overrated Countries, specifically Italy, Ive been seeing more signs of its decline everywhere. This time, in the normally people friendly Guardian!

Come on Italy, even the tree-huggers are against you, act quick before you find your Vespa wrapped around a tree. At the very least, maybe learn to recycle?

Emoticons; the new Esperanto?

While being a great supporter of new ideas, Im also a staunch rejecter of something so ridiculous it cant even be used for parodying purposes, though that doesn't leave much (in my opinion).

I have been battling with Emoticons for sometime, unable to bring them into my normal lexicon as it doesnt fit with my normal tone and expression. I am impressed with people who have though and, more widely, been impressed with their adoption globally.

Which brings me to my question of the day; are Emoticons the new Esperanto? Obviously this isnt an analogy that reconciles completely in that Esperanto never really took off and Emoticons seem to be used just about bloody everywhere.

But the spirit of Esperanto is certainly prevalent; a language/method of communication that can be understood by all. The main problem is that you cant (obviously) use them in spoken conversation, rendering it to be the written form of sign language, though obviously easier to understand.

If this is to be the new language though, what will it mean going forward? Is it to be incorporated with further slang, meaning that 'dis is da shizzle, makes me :$' will become an acccepted and understood expression(1)?

Further still, will this simplified language make our interactions (and thereby, us) more simple, or will they develop and enable a more global understanding more easily?

If we are to use Esperanto as an example, its doubtful that this will happen and quite likely the Fascists will come after all users of Emoticons (Pakistans' ban on YouTube anyone?).

I suppose it will be the ability of Emoticons to survive will depend on how they can integrate with any new technologies and how easily they are adopted by new users.

Certainly, their adoption in the main could result in some strange conversations as my field-work (below) demonstrates:






Am I:
(1) Curious
(2) Sad
(3) Sitting on my keys
(4) Constipated














Am I:
(1) Happy
(2) Insane
(3) Scared of dentists
(4) Constipated













Am I:
(1) Sad
(2) Mentally unstable
(3) Constipated








(1) Apologies if my example is useless, Im no good at emoticons or modern slang.