Top 5: Questions about Return of the Jedi

With the Australian cricket season being over and a new Star Wars film due out at the end of this year, I suddenly have a lot more time and motivation to ignore my family and re-watch the old Star Wars movies (not including episodes 1 and 2, obviously).

I've written here already about my thoughts on the start of Return of the Jedi, in which Luke sets up all his friends as bait - then kills everyone apart from his friends in a simply blood-thirsty plan, but I haven't really touched on the rest of the film.

Taking the movie in last night while ignoring cries from my children, I picked up on the following points that really make you wonder how aliens so stupid ever managed to make the jump to light speed:

5. The Rebels pick Solo and Lando as Generals, why?
After Luke has saved / killed everyone, the Rebels all meet to discuss how they are going to blow up the Death Star this time (totally different to last time) and not show any sign of concern when they hear about Bothans dying.

Whilst in the briefing room & after the lack of interest in the Bothans, we are all told that Lando Calryssien is being made a General by the Rebels to lead the assault on the Death Star.

Given that the audiences only experience with Lando is that he:

• Sells out his friends to the Empire
• Takes a job as a security guard with the mobster who is holding his friend frozen in carbon; and
• In the only battle he is involved in, almost gets eaten by a hole in the ground

...this seems like a very poor decision.

"Grab this! I will save you from the hole in the ground!"

I've already voiced my thoughts on Hans appropriateness as a leader, but he provides another great example of his commitment to the team when his Girlfriend is shot by a Storm-trooper, which he sees as a great opportunity to play dress ups.

4. The Ewoks were going to eat Luke, Han and Chewie...which everyone seems to forget
When Luke, Han, Chewie and the Robots go looking for Leia they manage to get themselves captured, overpowered and have their weapons taken off them by large rats known as Ewoks.

Now, a lot of people criticise Return of the Jedi for the inclusion of Ewoks as they are cute and fluffy and just used as a marketing tool for kids, rather than part of the grisly space story.

But not me.

Once the Ewoks have managed to tie everyone up apart from the effeminate gold robot, whom they rightly make their god, they carry them back to camp to be cooked.  That's right, the Ewoks were going to straight up EAT the main characters of the film.

Monster.

Luke manages to not screw up for once and convinces the Ewoks to let them all go, at which point they all become friends and suddenly forget that their guests were about to have them for dinner.

They then go on to blow up the Death Star and kill a small army of Storm Troopers, which we can only assume got eaten at the celebratory party.

Yub nub indeed.

3. Chewie does the Tarzan cry while swinging on a rope, why?
During the battle in which  the Rebels and their new best friends are attacking the Death Stars defences, Chewie takes off at one point and swings on a rope. 

While doing so, Chewie makes the Tarzan cry.

This makes no sense at all.

2. The Rebels have access to light speed, but not text messages?
Following on from the inspired decision to appoint Generals based on whether they were a white shirt with a black vest, the Rebels plan to blow up the Death Star seems to focus on knocking out its defences by a certain TIME, and then everyone showing up shortly afterwards and then shooting it where it hurts.

Now, given that they have access to light speed, space ships, light sabers and more; surely these guys also have access to text messages, emails or even a phone?

Rather than show up at a prescribed TIME, they could wait until Han sends them an SMS letting them know when the shields are actually down, then attack.

Exhibit A

1. Given Annakin is the main character, his death is a real understatement
Spoiler Alert: The movie ends with:

• Luke Skywalker cutting his Dads hand off, 
• Luke refusing to 'finish the job', 
• The Emperor electrocuting Luke, 
• Darth Vader then throwing the Emperor down a hole (this movie really has a thing about holes...), 
• Darth losing all his life force (presumably because his boss is dead) and then 
• Vader dying in Lukes (2) arms.

Sorry about the 2 arm joke their Darth....

....and without any understatement, that is the end of the main character of the movie.  Star Wars is essentially all about Darth Vader; his conversion to the Dark Side and then him coming back to the Force.

Sure, there is a bunch of other stuff that happens with robots and holes, but Star Wars is basically about Annakin Skywalker.

So how does the movie acknowledge this?  With Luke burning him in a forest all by himself like some sort of mass murderer, covering his tracks.

"Burn Daddy, burn"