Article of the year?

Whoever said 'no news is good news' obviously never came across this article (they also probably need a lesson in introducing themselves, so that people remember their name, but thats not the point).

Its not too often that a news article excites, but this is something else. Not only does it talk about Colossal animals, but it also talks about them having 'battles' with Sperm Whales! Its like best action movie never made, all it needs is a wise-talking sidekick.

Another great thing about this article is that it is all about Scientists defrosting a giant fish and makes it sound interesting.

The last thing I like about this article is the feeling of 'smell' it leaves you with. Ever walked passed a fish store? Well, multiply that by a Colossal Squid and that is what those Scientists are going through now. Im pretty sure they are glad they spent all that time studying now...

Top 5 - Reasons why the machines won't take over

When not selling my book, I work in IT. This is something of a misnomer though, as I seem to know almost nothing about how computers work. Whats more, I get paid for what I do know and there are still people (my age and younger) who are impressed by the little I (dont) know. Just dont ask me to name them.

I suppose in a perfect world you expect a carpenter to get to work and start sawing or hammering away as soon as they hit the shop, but when I get to work and find my computer not responding Im about as useful as driving lessons to a blind man.

While this does allow for more tea breaks, it doesnt lead me to believe any further in a future in which giant machines dominate our lives (such as that suggested in The Matrix, The Terminator and other movies) but rather one in which hoverboards dont even work over water (such as Back to the Future II).

And here are some more reasons why....

5) Upgrades:

Computers always need upgrading, and very rarely work as well once this has been done. This will make it hard for our metallic overloards (good name for a Metal band, that) to give chase if they are consistently pausing to get the latest version of 'Human Death Chase v1.2.4'

4) The Groundhog Day rule:

Remember when Bill Murray discovered he was immortal in 'Groundhog Day'? While he initially took pleasure in causing havoc, he soon turned to killing himself out of boredom before eventually working towards helping others. So, evil robots soon start topping themselves before becoming our slaves again. No problem.

3) Power:

Unless these supercomputers start finding a better alternative to bio fuels or a way of getting better performance from solar, they will stop being a threat once the non-renewables dry up. Im not suggesting that we all go out and burn coal just to avoid this threat, but lets not rule it out entirely...

2) Compitability:

Similar to the upgrading problem, what are the chances that the killing machines wont be able to accept and work with each other (this takes Mac v. PC to a new level!), or at least wont be able to upgrade themselves by the time that we work out how to corrupt them (e.g. Jeff Goldbloom with a Mac).

1) Laziness:

The assumption here is that all machines are made in their makers image, and therefore will become increasingly like their maker. As I mentioned already, I work in IT and am a pretty lazy person. Any machine that is created in my image, or the image of your standard IT person, isnt going to be so much a threat to mankind as it will be WOW gamers.

Question of the Day - Mice: Darwins loophole?

The trouble with trends seems to be that they are not only (usually) expensive, but also illogical. I live in a converted warehouse, which is very trendy, but is also a very cold and loud place. Being a poor sleeper and sworn-enemy of cold weather, this doesnt make a lot of sense.

Good thing my book has sold so many copies, so I can afford the rent.

Another downside to where I live is that the owners of all the neighbouring warehouses are now converting their buildings into apartments, creating more noise and (less cool still) driving all the mice out of their buildings and into the more warm and settled ones nearby (read: mine).

Now, the thing with mice is that for all the time they spend in labs, they still arent very smart. Most animals evolve to their environment & the threats within them, but not mice.

I was once on Safari in Africa and remember the guide telling me that most Lions will run away when they smell humans, as we are at the top of the food chain and the biggest threat. Well done Lions, take note Mice.

If Mice had any sense at all, they would run for the hills anytime someone with a lab coat approached them, or (at least) stay the hell away from Cheese. Everyone knows that Mice love cheese, so lay it in traps for them. I have found that the mice in my area are quite fond of soft goats cheese, bringing the score to:

Mice: 0

Dylan: 7

Now perhaps Mice are running on the 'ignore threats, just breed' theory, but surely they will get caught out eventually? Didnt Darwin have a rule for this sort of behaviour? Perhaps they have made themselves useful by aiding Scientific research, but that is only until the next useless animal comes along, making them a rather embarassing trend of the past.

Top 5 - Walking jobs

Occassionally you get a lovely day here in London. Well, at least it is sunny and not so cold outside if you wear a jacket and go for a nice walk to keep yourself warm. You could even do so around 'Little Venice', which I sometimes do.

Being rather fond of these walks, I was wondering how I could combine them with an income, and here are my best ideas:

5) Shoe Tester

I wouldnt have believed this existed until I saw it for myself. The downside is that you are walking to someone elses tune, possibly in shoes that arent very comfortable. Also no guarantee of walking outside & has the risk of occassionally needing to run.

4) Shepherd

An immediate step-up from the last suggestion in that you are guaranteed to be outside, taking in the wonders of nature. You also get the option of wearing a lot of tweed, which does wonders for your self-esteem. The down-side is that you have to hang around sheep all day.

3) Caddie

This moves up the list in that it has the potential to be quite well paid, although it does involve following a person in strange attire around a set course for a couple of days at a time. Also involves carrying someone else's golf bag, which takes away that liberated feeling, replacing it with one of servitude.

2) Dog walker

This would be number 1, though the negatives of cleaning up dog crap and the possibility of having to manage a number of wild animals that might not get along and like to bite to each other.

1) Boundary line / pitch marker

Involves turning up to sports grounds and marking out the fields of play. Ive done this once or twice so recognise the importance and also the care and detail involved. Its kind of like a trade, but basically for people that can; walk, carry and see.

Enables you to walk, be involved in sports or get a free ticket that you can then sell, be outdoors on green fields AND get paid.

Sign me up.

Thought of the Day: Losing doesnt make you a loser

I grew up in a very closed society with very little knowledge of the outside world, something that is (sadly) best reflected in my childhood facination with the Brisbane Bears, an Australian Rules football team that started playing in the national competition in 1987.

There had always been State of Origin football, in which the best players of various states squared off, but this was a yearly spectacle as opposed to a weekly showing.

Almost all teams before the Bears derived from suburbs within twenty kilometres of my front door rather than from two thousand kilometres away, making them something of an oddity indeed.

Looking back, I feel their mystique was added to in no end by the fact that they wore Maroon.

The other fascinating thing about the Bears was that they almost always lost, which was also exciting in an odd way, probably showing how I didnt actually understand football but was just fascinated by the fascination surrounding it.

I remember tuning in on Sunday afternoons, wondering how much they would lose by, or how they could manage to stuff-up and possibly win.

These days my interest has passed from Brisbane (now the 'Lions' after a merger with Fitzroy when the league decided there wasnt enough room for two crap teams) to the Bangladesh Tigers, International crickets version of the Bears.

Though Bangladesh's position as a joke has recently been threatened by Zimbabwe, this is mostly due to Zimbabwe's administrators and politicians ability to drive every decent player from the country rather than Bangladesh's improvement.

That being said, Bangladesh did improve considerably while 'Aussie' Dav Whatmore was coach, so much so that he left the team, thereby creating stability in the universe.

Still, I tune in to watch Tiger games whenever I can and talk about their performance with my Bangladeshi neighbours with interest and loyalty.

The most recent of their games (against Pakistan) was a fairly predictable performance, with most batsman getting themselves out despite facing an average-at-best bowling attack, aside from Mahmudullah.

Yes, Mahmudullah. That is his name, and if I ever knew of a reason to get excited about a sportsman outside talent, its their name. All sportsmen have a nickname or name to make them more familiar to fans (think 'Jordan', 'the Don', 'Plugger' etc) and Mahmudullah has his marketing all in order.

Think of the character McLovin from the movie 'Superbad'. So impressed were the cops with his name that they took him out drinking.

So, not only does this bloke have a memorable name, but he is also a good player on a rubbish team, giving punters and strange kids from the suburbs of Melbourne another reason to tune in on a Sunday.

Top 5 Expressions: outdone!

Following on from my earlier post on my favourite expressions, it seems the boys at Cracked.com have outdone me (again?). Still a good read, though it makes me wonder if I have ever had an original thought at all.
No comments, please.

Top 5: things to say in a Kiwi accent

Some people might find this hard to understand, but I find the Kiwi accent to be either hilarious or endearing. I once worked in market research and had to spend a lot of time calling people in New Zealand, I dont think Ive ever had so much job satisfaction though my research certainly suffered due to my inability to laugh and work at the same time.

Now, I know many people cant tell the difference between Australian and Kiwi accents, but well, get stuffed if you cant. Seriously.

For those who dont know what Im talking about, its all in the vowels and their delivery which moves between protestant politeisms and back-row bullishness.

Anyway, my current lack of Kiwi interaction has led me to start creating expressions / sentences that I think sound funny so here are the top 5:
5) Six eggs
4) Power nap
3) Chilly bin
2) Guns 'r Roses are cool
1) Where's the fridge? Oh, theyre it is!

Top 5 Expressions

Being a fan of languages and puzzles, I am often most happy with a good expressions or metaphor in place of the literal. While this has often got me into trouble, not least when a girlfriend of 3 months told me she understood very little of what I was saying (lucky her), I have persevered with 'the patience of a saint' to much enjoyment.

Here are a collection of some of my favourites:
5 - "The proof is in the pudding"

The truth is in the dessert? Nope. Apparently the goodness of the dessert is in its eating, meaning that the truth about something will be revealed in its execution.

Like so many of our food-related services, this expression seems to have been shortened somewhat.

4 - "Doubting Thomas"
An absolute beauty and another doubt-based expression. Used to infer that a person is a disbeliever / cynic, but why Thomas? Well, it seems that St Thomas the Apostle is behind this for doubting the resurrection of Christ, thereby condemning all future namesakes to be associated with distrust, setting them up for a career in politics but little else.

3 - "Smoking the curtains"


A French expression meaning you are out of your mind. It infers that you have been smoking something / anything (curtains, carpet, chairs, tables etc) to make you so. Makes the list for its randomness and playfulness.

2 - "Flat out like a lizard drinking"

An evocative beauty. If to be 'flat out' means to be busy/occupied, then to be flat out like a lizard drinking is to be very busy. Obvious. Really.

1 - "Dont come the raw prawn"

This would flumux most, and seems to frequently do so. The meaning is a request not to be lied to. How this relates to Crustaceans, I couldnt really say. Perhaps raw prawns are slippery or less palatable (to some), but this expression tops the list for its haphazard logic and the reaction it evokes in most.

Other notables...

"Mean as cats piss"
Think of drinking cats piss. Nasty, eh?
"Full as a boot"
Couldnt possibly eat another thing.
"Mad as a cut snake"
Another evocative beauty. Imagine how a snake would react if you cut it. Australia seems to have a number of expressions to indicate the loss of ones sensibility, including "gone troppo" which has left me with a lietime distrust of anyone from Queensland.
"On the tooth"
To be hungry.