Thought of the Day: Hysterical responses to the First Innings

Australian cricket fans woke up this morning to news that the Test team had been bowled out for 60 overnight, with English bowler Stuart Broad taking 8-15.

The reactions to this have ranged from outrage to humorous, with a couple of personal highlights being the work of Titus O'Reily and the Man of the Match poll from The Age (seen below).

 
My personally favoured reaction to these types of events is not one of measured reason that takes into account context, though, it is of outright hysteria.

With that in mind, here are my thoughts:

Kill Shaun Marsh
OK, this may seem drastic, but fans of Australian cricket may remember the last time the Australian Test team capitulated on a similar scale, when they scored just 47 all-out against South Africa in 2011.  

It's worth noting that Nathan Lyon was one of the best batsmen in that innings too, top scoring with 14 off 24 deliveries.

That's a batsman

Looking at the scorecard it is telling to see the number of players that have retired, sadly passed or moved on since that test (Watson, Hughes, Ponting, Hussey, Haddin, Harris, Siddle) and the players still in the team; Clarke, Lyon, Johnson....and Shaun Marsh.

Seriously...while we may have dropped serial under-achiever Shane Watson, why the hell is S Marsh still in the team, particularly when he is picked at the cost of M Marsh, who may well be a dangerous bowler in these conditions.

It seems the team selectors are hell-bent on picking Shaun regardless of form, other players available or sobriety.  The only answer is to kill him.

Cull! Cull! Cull!
While homicide is potentially a little harsh, it shouldn't be applied across the board.  Others can simply be dropped and whatever happens to them afterwards isn't my concern.  As long as they aren't picked again.

The only issue is, who not to drop?  

Given the abject failure this large, it is hard to determine who should stay.

With that in mind, my proposed inclusions are:

• Rob Quiney: 2 Test player and owner of possibly the greatest "what might have been?" moment in recent cricketing history when he hooked a 6 early off Dale Steyn only to be caught on the boundary.  Was originally picked so Phil Hughes didn't have to face the South Africans, but that (sadly) isn't an issue now. If we are picking players simply for "what might have been?" and cover reasons, lord knows we aren't picking them for cricketing ability, he is as good as any.
• A dodgy curry: A bit left field, but sure to create some runs. Boom Boom.
• That animated duck: Has spent more time on the ground in this test than many of the players, can't be any worse.  That being said, Pluck-a-duck would probably do better than Adam Voges.

• The "Demand a Commander" girl: similar to the Animated duck, she has spent more time in front of Australian Cricketing TV audiences than most of the players of late.  Also, she is scary as hell.

 Drink cement
Again, this may seem drastic, but these are drastic times.  

To be dismissed so cheaply and play so inconsistently (record this series reads big loss, big win, big loss and now big loss), this team obviously has the mental fortitude of an autumnal leaf.  

Artists impression of the Teams fortitude

They need to harden up quickly and what better way than to cause them serious medical damage by making them drink cement.

It's unfortunate that previous Captain Alan Border has retired and now simply runs Tours to cricketing matches, though I suspect those on the tour with AB may not be having a good time with the team performing this badly, as his sort of approach seems to be exactly what is needed.