Star Wars YouTube clip of the day

Top 5: Guidelines for a successful Star Wars Re-Boot

The re-release of Star Wars episode 4 on the films 20^th anniversary in 1997 helped bring new fans to the movie, while also allowing old fans (aka. “nerds”) view previously unreleased footage and new digitised footage for the first time.

It also inspired this:

Re-visiting that film, particularly ahead of the release of Episode 7 later this year, is a reminder of all the great components of it: uncomplicated storyline, fantastical setting, recognisable characters and lots of great action.

Given the time in which it was released, being one where Space exploration was becoming a reality & technology was developing at pace, it is little wonder that the film was so successful.

Which brings me to Episodes 1, 2 and 3.

These movies were terrible, utterly terrible.  

Totally and utterly

I have tried several times to enjoy these, but have found sitting through them from start to end hard enough, let alone appreciate.  They do have their moments, but they are few and far between.

As a fan of the original Star Wars films, these movies are similar to spending Christmas with your crap relatives.  You know, they are all weird, ate least one has a sweating / gland disorder, there is never enough food to go around (yet they are mostly mysteriously obese) and you just can’t wait to get out of there and not think about them for another year.

The appointment of JJ Abrams as Director of Episode 7 has given myself and other fans of the series hope that the new movie (at least) will be enjoyable, not least because of the excellent work he did on the re-boot of the Star Trek movie.

Which brings me to think; given that 15-20 years have passed since Episodes 1, 2 and 3 came out; is that enough time to re-boot these episodes and right the wrongs of the past?

The answer is, of course,  ‘yes’.

Exciting is hardly the word I would choose

But what can be done to “fix” the first 3 movies to make them more like 4, 5 and 6 and less like being digested by the almighty Zarlac?  Here’s my 5 Guidelines:

5. Less Dialogue

Obi Wan Kenobi (aka. Ben Kenobi) is one of the main characters in Episode 4, but dies in the first half of the movie and seems to have as many lines as a ghost as he does while living.

The rest of the movie involves (in order):

·       A mid-space battle between goodies and baddies, Bad guys kidnap the lady in charge, robots escape to a desert

·       Robots run away, get kidnapped & sold into slavery

·       Robots run away, get found by young slaver and crazy hermit, older slavers are burnt to a crisp by Bad guys

·       Robots and surviving slave masters go to a bar, cut off someones arm, get a lift with smugglers

·       Bad guys blow up a goodies planet, smugglers and slavers arrive & are captured by Bad guys

·       Smugglers and Slavers free lady in charge, shoot everything, old hermit disappears while being cut in half

·       Massive space battle, Good guys blow up Bad guys space planet

·       Weird medal ceremony where Good guy soldiers are suddenly subservient to a walking carpet (no dialogue at all)

There isn’t a lot of character development, pining, yearning or fretting.  Its mostly shooting and yelling, and It works.  Also, there is magic.  Magic is great.

As opposed to illusions.

4. Less technology

Episodes 4, 5 and 6 have the technology as massive and wonderous, but not overbearing or flash.  The setting for the film is a fairly gritty war-torn galaxy and the technology represents that.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 over-used CGI so much that the technology is neither real nor relatable, it just seems like a giant wank.

Case in point.

The film should be pulled back to basics and have actors sitting in toasters that look like they have seen better days, and walking around sets that look like a car park instead of in front of a green screen the whole time.

Focus on the things that made the first movies relatable and enjoyable.

3. More action

As above, get rid of all the scenes of characters going for picnics, discussing strategy or concerns, talking about the history of midichloriates etc and have more hands being cut off.

This doesn’t include ‘pod racer’ events with kids as contestants.  That just sucked.

2. Get rid of Jar Jar

No compromise here.

1. Don’t make it for kids

This is going to be a hard ask given that Disney now have the rites to Star Wars, but one of the things that made Episodes 4, 5 and 6 great was that kids and adults can both enjoy the films.

Episodes 1, 2 and 3 on the other hand seem to be made for video game spin-offs and people that hate themselves.

As mentioned earlier, the kindly old man that mentors Luke (Obi Wan) is introduced to characters as someone that is so chilling that desert people that raid others are afraid of him. 

To emphasise his character; he then goes on to not stop Luke from discovering his family burnt to a crisp (like a Jedi couldn’t stop a teenager on a speeder…), manipulates some soldiers minds, goes to a bar and cuts someones arm off.

Hardly kid friendly stuff, but awesome.

I’ll admit that the introduction of Ewoks was a bit kid-friendly, but even then one of them gets fried and they do brutally murder a lot of soldiers.

So, come on JJ, its time for a re-boot.

Question of the Day: Why hate Michael Clarke?

The retirement of Michael Clarke from all forms cricket has been nearly as interesting to watch as some of his dashing play from days of yore.

Immediately after announcing his retirement to good friend Shane Warne EXCLUSIVELY on Channel 9, Clarke mentioned his desire to slip back into commentary, which could only benefit from more cricketing analysts and less of this guy.

Following this, past teammates and a coach of Clarke have all come out and criticized him for not being a team player or 'honoring the baggy green'.  Now, I don't know much about the Australian cricket teams culture, but I'm pretty sure it emphasizes things like respect and trust, rather than slagging someone you don't like very much like a character out of Mean Girls.

Artists impression of former Australian cricketers

So is Michael Clarke a bad bloke? Maybe.  Is he disruptive to the team?  Could be.  Are the other players and past players disruptive to the team?  It seems so.

So why go after Clarke?

Admittedly, he is a bogan but that is also no unique status in a group of blokes who were good at sport at school & find tracksuits an acceptable form of fashion wear.

Ahem.

He is a bit flashy & seems concerned about his brand and career after cricket, but is that a crime?  On the scale of flashiness, he is hardly in the air of conceitedness that some of his mates are, and looking after oneself for a career after cricket is hardly anything new.

If anything, Clarke has braved changing the culture of the previous coach and era of Australian players & allowed future players and Captains be their own person.

Not bad for a bogan.

Thought of the Day: Hysterical responses to the First Innings

Australian cricket fans woke up this morning to news that the Test team had been bowled out for 60 overnight, with English bowler Stuart Broad taking 8-15.

The reactions to this have ranged from outrage to humorous, with a couple of personal highlights being the work of Titus O'Reily and the Man of the Match poll from The Age (seen below).

 
My personally favoured reaction to these types of events is not one of measured reason that takes into account context, though, it is of outright hysteria.

With that in mind, here are my thoughts:

Kill Shaun Marsh
OK, this may seem drastic, but fans of Australian cricket may remember the last time the Australian Test team capitulated on a similar scale, when they scored just 47 all-out against South Africa in 2011.  

It's worth noting that Nathan Lyon was one of the best batsmen in that innings too, top scoring with 14 off 24 deliveries.

That's a batsman

Looking at the scorecard it is telling to see the number of players that have retired, sadly passed or moved on since that test (Watson, Hughes, Ponting, Hussey, Haddin, Harris, Siddle) and the players still in the team; Clarke, Lyon, Johnson....and Shaun Marsh.

Seriously...while we may have dropped serial under-achiever Shane Watson, why the hell is S Marsh still in the team, particularly when he is picked at the cost of M Marsh, who may well be a dangerous bowler in these conditions.

It seems the team selectors are hell-bent on picking Shaun regardless of form, other players available or sobriety.  The only answer is to kill him.

Cull! Cull! Cull!
While homicide is potentially a little harsh, it shouldn't be applied across the board.  Others can simply be dropped and whatever happens to them afterwards isn't my concern.  As long as they aren't picked again.

The only issue is, who not to drop?  

Given the abject failure this large, it is hard to determine who should stay.

With that in mind, my proposed inclusions are:

• Rob Quiney: 2 Test player and owner of possibly the greatest "what might have been?" moment in recent cricketing history when he hooked a 6 early off Dale Steyn only to be caught on the boundary.  Was originally picked so Phil Hughes didn't have to face the South Africans, but that (sadly) isn't an issue now. If we are picking players simply for "what might have been?" and cover reasons, lord knows we aren't picking them for cricketing ability, he is as good as any.
• A dodgy curry: A bit left field, but sure to create some runs. Boom Boom.
• That animated duck: Has spent more time on the ground in this test than many of the players, can't be any worse.  That being said, Pluck-a-duck would probably do better than Adam Voges.

• The "Demand a Commander" girl: similar to the Animated duck, she has spent more time in front of Australian Cricketing TV audiences than most of the players of late.  Also, she is scary as hell.

 Drink cement
Again, this may seem drastic, but these are drastic times.  

To be dismissed so cheaply and play so inconsistently (record this series reads big loss, big win, big loss and now big loss), this team obviously has the mental fortitude of an autumnal leaf.  

Artists impression of the Teams fortitude

They need to harden up quickly and what better way than to cause them serious medical damage by making them drink cement.

It's unfortunate that previous Captain Alan Border has retired and now simply runs Tours to cricketing matches, though I suspect those on the tour with AB may not be having a good time with the team performing this badly, as his sort of approach seems to be exactly what is needed.

Non-Issue of the Day: James Faulkners driving ban

The above story was reported by ESPN Cricinfo recently, detailing James Faulkners driving ban.

Having watched Faulkner bat in ODI, T20 and Test cricket over the last few years, I'm yet to see him drive the ball so am unsure where the issue is.

Boom, Boom.