In this spirit of hope and good hope, the Sicilian, the Magpie, the Dwarf and the Rev started out on a cold winters afternoon in Melbourne for the Great Pub Jukebox Tour (GPJT). The idea was that the GPJT team would exercise their musical choice across Melbourne to determine which Jukebox was best.
The selection criteria was much debated and a constant shadow in the minds of the GPJT team in the weeks leading up to the day, though personal differences were put aside eventually for the good of the GPJT cause.
The first stop on the tour was The Greyhound in St Kilda, which is more widely known for its Drag shows of a saturday evening. Drag did seem to be appropriate, as the venue was closed and so no jukeboxing was to be had.
The next stop was the Prince of Wales on Fitzroy St, St Kilda, which was a vast improvement on the Greyhound in that it was open. It did get points off for not having a working jukebox, however gained a few nods of approval for the available song selection. Points were also stripped from "The Prince" for the steep price of a pot, as well as the number of Richmond fans present.
A short journey on the number 96 tram into the CBD brought the team to the Exford Hotel, widely renowned for being the hotel that many go to as its the only place serving at 4am. The Rev also recalled a story of involving the Exford in which one of its patrons had been lying, prone, on the stairs for some 8 hours before someone checked to see if he was alive. The Rev couldn't recall whether he was.
With these salubrious tales in mind, the GPJT team boarded the good ship Exford with heady anticipation and boy, was she sea-worthy!
The Exford scored maximum points for song selection, even snatching a bonus point for the video display to accompany the songs. Drink prices were also given the tick of approval, and the GPJT nearly had to be dragged off to the next venue.
There was some confusion with the next venue; a call to the Clyde hotel revealed that their jukebox was also out-of-order, and so the itinerary was quickly shuffled to make the East Brunswick club the next cab on the rank.
The team probably should have made at least one more call, as it turned out that the jukebox at the East Brunswick Club and the venue following, Hardimans in Kensington. The East Brunswick club also got points off for not having lights on in the womens bathrooms, though did recover a point for the installation of a portable heater under the pinball machines, keeping the spotty kids feet warm.
Hardimans was, and probably still is, absolute rubbish. The jukebox worked, though the staff wouldn't turn it on (not even for the GPJT team!) as they didn't like the sound. They obviously had inconsistent senses, as the smell of Hardimans was enough to drive the team off.
Last up was the old faithful, The Drunken Poet. Regarded by many as the best pub in Melbourne, "the Poet" loomed large like a beacon for the team, particularly after the trauma of Hardimans.
Unfortunately for the team, someone had decided to give a drunk a guitar and let him play to the crowd at the Poet. In fairness, he started well but his standards seemed to be inversely proportional to his sobriety (which was leaving on a jet plane).
Compiling the issue was the Dwarf's stomach, which took a turn for the worse after she made the amateur mistake of breathing in while at Hardimans, bringing a swift end to the night. Thankfully the stayers of the team, the Magpie and the Sicilian had the fortitude to stick out the deteriorating 'set' and managed to get a few plays of Whitesnake on the Poets jukebox.
While the day was an enjoyable one, the team was a little downhearted that the prospective choice had been stripped from them by publicans too lazy to get their jukeboxes fixed. Shame on you publicans, shame. To the good people at the Exford though, well done. Though maybe check that prone chap on the stairs.
Amen
The Prince
bar heater at the East Brunswick Hotel
