Top 5: Reaons the creators of Wolfenstein 3D were strange

As a statistics-obsessed teenager from the Australian middle class masses of the 1990s, I spent a considerable amount of time in front of screens. Some of this was watching State-based One Day cricket, some of it was spent watching NBA basketball, but a lot of it was spent playing PC-based computer games & then compiling numbers on my results afterwards.

It may sound a little sad, but it was better than listening to Snow.

Some of my preferred early games were flight simulators, which was actually quite sad, as I (generally) was only allowed to 'play' for 1 hour per day & the majority of this hour was spent checking altitude.

All this changed when I discovered Wolfenstein 3D, one of the first, first-person shooter games that I came across and one that would change my world.

A one-handed life in a 2-dimensional world.  What's not to love?

For those who never moved past flight simulators, Wolfenstein 3D is a game in which your character is imprisoned by the Nazis in World War 2, but manages to overpower his guard & take his gun.  You then run around the prison (a castle), killing lots of Nazis and making your way to freedom.

It was great. It made me feel more like this:

Recently, I discovered that there was a Wolfenstein 3D application that I could download on my phone and I revisited the distraction of my youth with glee.  What I found, though, was that there were some quirks in the game that I hadn't really thought of before, being:

5. The healing power of chicken and dog food
During the game, your character can (and almost certainly will) get shot by the Nazi soldiers / guards, as well as bitten by their dogs. This causes your character to lose health points (you start with 100% health, because that's how all prisoners are OK!) which can lead to your character dying once 0 health points are reached.

To ensure you can keep going through the game, plates of roast chicken and dog food are left lying around the prison, which your character can eat to replenish their health points. 

Now, I've never been shot (except through the heart when I gave love a bad name) and I really do love a bit of roast chicken, but I very much doubt that it carries healing power to overcome bullet wounds.  And while I've never really been into dog food in any measurable way, I also doubt that its any substitute for a kevlar vest.

Above, the Nazi equivalent of morphine.  May explain the result of the war.

4. The German approach to chicken and weaponry
While on the chicken theme, it is worth noting that the aforementioned miracle-healing chicken are literally strewn throughout the castle.  They must have had some crazy rotary service going overtime just to ensure that (seemingly) every room had that lovely smell of roast chicken and rosemary.

Similar to the approach to presenting roast chickens seems to be the approach to weaponry and ammunition.  Various weapons and spare 'clips' of ammo are placed all over the castle, and not in hard to reach spots, they are often in the middle of the floor; right next to the chickens. 

Did none of these guards think to stock up on ammo, or at least clean up a bit?

The option of a delicious and readily available Holy Grail being readily available brings me to my next point...

3. The emphasis of discipline in the Nazi party
As your character moves through the castle / prison, you come across a large number of Nazis who are standing around, seemingly to shoot at escaping prisoners and take care of other standing around duties. The latter being almost entirely what these guys do until you are right up in their face.

That's right, these prison guards don't run to the next room where they can hear unexplainable gun fire, they just stand around next to their plates of chicken and clips of spare ammo.

I also love how surprised they look when you start shooting at them.

Even when you enter the room, they run in your characters general direction (often in a 'strafe' pattern, making them harder to shoot & showing they aren't just vegetarian loafs who refuse to clean up), occasionally stopping to shoot at you.

These soldiers are so disciplined, they never go for extra ammo or run for a chicken when you shoot back at them.

2. The Nazi approach to strong and weak soldiers
The castle is 'guarded' by several different types of soldiers, or more accurately, has several different types of soldiers standing around in it.

The main difference of these soldiers are their uniforms (brown vs blue vs 'special character' uniform), their weapons (hand guns vs machine guns) and their response to bullets being shot into them (die quickly vs die not-so quickly).

Now, I'm no expert on standing around in castles, or how it should be best done, but I would hazhard a guess that your soldiers that are more susceptible to death from being shot should be better armed, while those who seem to be as bothered by being shot as they do about magical roast chickens probably only need handguns (or maybe just knives and forks - they could also help with the chickens).
 
1. That idle hands brought down the Nazis
World War 2 is one of the most documented War in history, with hundreds of books and films on the conflict, including specific battles, published.  The most commonly accepted reason given for the downfall of the Nazis was their incursion into Russia & inability to be stretched across great distances and fronts.

Seen here, a Nazi killin' mofo

The creators of Wolfenstein 3D seemingly would have you think otherwise. 

After all, who would house only 1 prisoner in an entire castle that is full of ammunition, healing chickens, spare arms, and disinterested and slovenly guards? A country at war that has too much time on its hands, that's who.

Thought of the Day: Response to the Australian A Team

Cricket Australia today released the team to represent Australia 'A' in the tour game against England ahead of this Summers Ashes.  That team is:

1. Klinger
2. S Marsh
3. Doolan
4. Khawaja
5. Ferguson
6. Maxwell (VC)
7. Paine
8. Henriques (C)
9. Copeland
10. Cutting
11. Holland

My thoughts:

• Not sure who S Marsh has photos of, but Ed Cowan better start raiding his Tumblr account.
• Similarly, Nic Maddinson deserves a spot opening against quality opposition if he is to be a future opener (whereas S Marsh WAS an opener)
• Cam White, despite being player of the Ryobi Cup & selectors saying One Day form counts for something, seemingly needs to hit Bradman-level runs & possibly start bowling again. That being said, Ferguson and Doolan are a bit younger than The Bear.
• Matt Wade would be filthy, not only is he further down the 'keeping order (or is Paine an 'A' specialist?) but they have picked a spinner he can read (ie. not Lyon or Ahmed, who must want to change states now)
• Cutting and Copeland must be gutted knowing that they are behind the front line fast bowlers, the cover for those bowlers, and the covers cover in the selectors minds.
• Glenn Maxwell as VC - look for him to open & bowl half the overs...& possibly keep - before leaving after the 20th over
• There is clearly an opportunity to bat at 6 for Australia, with George Bailey being the pick from the current tour of India and seemingly everyone in the 'A' squad a chance.  The player selected would certainly be spending as much time watching the ball out of the bowlers hand as they would over their shoulder, they only need look at the treatment of Luke Faulkener as an example of the selectors faith.

Top 5: Issues with Billy Joels 'Piano Man'

Billy Joel is a very successful sing-songwriter & if you haven't heard of him it's probably because you're from outer-space, and even then you can probably still receive easy listening radio fairly easily.

One of Joels' biggest hits has been "Piano Man", ostensibly a song describing the experience of a singer in a down-and-out bar for what could be any Saturday evening, told in the first person. The song reached #4 position on the US adult billboards and was also Joels first single; so quite the accomplishment.

Despite all of this success, I have some serious issues with the lyrics of this song, namely:

5. 
"There's an old man sitting next to me
Making love to his tonic and gin"

What the hell kind of bar is this?  And in what sort of bar do people do this sort of thing (gineality? booziality?) out in the open?  


And why is the Piano Man so OK with it?  He's just singing away as the bloke next to him is getting some post-bar action while still in the bar with his drink.

4. "Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face"


What kind of person is this Piano Man?  While the old bloke next him is mounting an aperitif, the Piano Man has one of his mates fetching him drinks at no cost, which is actually killing said friend.  

Does the Piano Man care that his friend is dying from fetching his drinks? No.  He just notices the emotions that his friend is displaying.  The Piano Man is either an incredibly hard bastard,  or has absolutely no EQ at all.

3. 
"
He says, "Son can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet
And I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes" 
"
Apart from the bloke getting it on with the drinks being served, the rest of the customers at this place seem to have a few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock too.  

The patron in question from this lyric has requested a song while giving absolutely no queue as to what the song might be, just that he used to know it while he was wearing someone else's clothes.  Almost to infuriate the Piano Man, he then indicates that the clothes he was wearing belonged to someone younger than him, as if that would narrow down the selection of songs available.

4.
"
And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar

"
OK, to start with; the piano sounds like a carnival?  I've heard of a piano being out of tune before, but this is ridiculous!  How does a piano sound like a carnival?  Is the Piano Man actually delusional and just at a carnival, or does the piano actually have rides, pop corn stands and those stupid water shooting games where you blow up balloons?

As for the microphone smelling like a beer, lets get some perspective. A microphone is an electronic instrument, mostly made out of metal.  Things that smell like beer are commonly breath, clothes or couches.  2 out 3 things in that list are made of fabric, which a microphone is not. For a microphone to smell like beer, it must be seriously doused in beer to retain the smell.  The Piano Man is working in a death trap and surely facing electrocution from a beer soaked, electrical microphone.

This bar is an OH&S nightmare.

Finally, the customers are putting bread in his jar.  They are supposed to be tipping with cash, not bread, are they hobos?  I'm starting to develop serious concerns with this establishment.

5.
" And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see
To forget about life for a while
"


OK, now I get it, the Piano Man actually is a lunatic, working in a bar populated by lunatics.  Of course the Manager is smiling at him, he is working for the crusty old bread that his gin-humping patrons stick in his jar while he works at risk of electrocution at a piano that is ridiculously out of tune.

Thought of the Day: Cricket Australia REALLY hates Cricket

Following on from my last post on Cricket Australia's (CA's) appalling approach to developing and marketing the game in Australia, this little Tweet came to my attention on the weekend:

That's right; over 100,000 people turned up to watch the Australian domestic soccer league last weekend, while less than 1,000 turned up to watch the Ryobi cup (the domestic one-day tournament).

Granted, there were more soccer league games being played, but even the average number of attendees at the soccer far outweighed those at the cricket games.

Keep in mind that it wasn't too long ago that the domestic soccer league in Australia was an absolute shambles and Cricket was the only summer sport, now the tables have turned on the back of some good management (soccer) and some equally poor administration (guess!).

The ridiculous scheduling of the Ryobi cup has been defended by CA as a good way of preparing players for a World Cup type tournament, though this seems odd given that the Cricket World Cup is usually played in front of large crowds.

Foreground: Ryobi Cup action. Background: Ryobi Cup crowd.

Stranger still is that the Ryobi cup ends in a matter of weeks, meaning the time between the World Cup and many of these players' next One Day game is a minimum of a year away.

Another strange excuse that CA has trotted out is that there aren't enough grounds available at the moment to host the event.  Given that all of the major winter sports have finished, I'm really not sure how this stacks up.  The American Baseball league manages to play games seemingly everyday all over that continent, why can't the same be done here?

While CA may truly hate the game, many of us don't and would prefer that it not only survived, but flourished.

Also, it helps keep Shahid Afridi well fed.

With that in mind, I'd like to propose the following changes to Cricket Australias summer schedule.  In the event of their being fixture clashes in the same city, games should be moved to appropriate regional venues to promote the game there.

Test Cricket:

• 6 Tests to be played every year from October to the end of January;
• 1 Test to be played in every Capital City;
• Each Test to be promoted as an event in its own rite (e.g. the McGrath foundations day at the Sydney Test);
• Hobart to host the New Years Test to coincide with the end of the Sydney to Hobart yacht race;
• Sydney to host the last Test over the Australia Day weekend;
• Where a 6-Test series cannot be played, 2 x 3 Test Series can be played against different countries

One Day Cricket:

• Return to a limited 3-team series to be played between the end of January and the end of February;
• Games to be played in all capital cities with a best of 3 final series;
• Games to be played mid-week, allowing people to go after work, and on weekends - limited Sunday games.

T20 Internationals:

• Limited games (1 or 2) to be played at the end of February, ending the season.

Sheffield Shield:

• Season to be played from October to end of February;
• Season to continue during BBL and other corresponding fixtures, giving opportunity to new players;
• No age restrictions on teams fielded;
• Proper pitches prepared to enable 4 day games & results.

Ryobi Cup:

• To be played mid-week or book-ending Shield games (people should be able to watch a game of cricket, free, every night);
• To be played at regional grounds with heavy promotion to ensure interest / attendance;
• Free to air coverage to continue

Big Bash League

• To continue being scheduled and played as it is, though sharing the limelight / grounds and players of the other leagues;
• Where players prefer to play T20 to other games, they should be allowed to, but not forced to.

A message to the Melbourne Football Club....

....just "find and replace" Cleveland Browns with Melbourne Demons

Thought of the Day: Cricket Australia hates Cricket

It's not uncommon for parents to have a favourite or preferred child and its not necessarily a bad thing, so long as the other child or children don't know it and aren't disadvantaged in any way.  After all, having a resentful child in the same house may pose a risk to the safety of baby Adonis.

With these guidelines in mind, it seems that Cricket Australia is a very, very poor parent indeed.

Governance, Cricket Australia style

Cricket Australia's remit is to manage and promote the game in Australia, if for no other reason than to keep themselves in a job.  Other benefits such as ensuring historical legacy is maintained, keeping the populace happy and participating in sport are also nice too - but don't pay the bills.

Now, I'm not sure how big CA's bills are, but it would appear that they must be considerable given the way that CA can't seem to look past a fast buck for the long term benefit of the game (and themselves).

The advent of Twenty20 cricket brought this apparent short-sightedness to the fore initially when CA abandoned the state-based T20 competition, removing over a century of tradition, and replaced it with a fabricated club competition.  Worse still, there were multiple clubs in some cities (e.g. Melbourne Stars and the Melbourne Renegades), causing consternation for fans around who to follow (often resulting them in following neither), while also depriving fans in other cities and towns a chance of having a team to follow.

The new T20 competition, the Big Bash, ran at a loss for its first few years but picked up last summer and seemed to get adequate crowds in and television numbers.  I don't really know, I've never watched a game; amongst other things, I still can't decide between the Renegades and the Stars.

Appealing characters and dropped catches?  How to choose? (photo courtesy of www.theroar.com.au)

Wanting to get as much out of this new golden child as much as they can, CA have now moved the schedules for their other children (One Day cricket and Test cricket) around, to the detriment of all of them.

The (still) State-based One Day competition, the Ryobi cup, has now been squeezed into a month-long tournament that is being played out of western Sydney during the middle of the week in front of crowds that The Quokkas would be happy with.

Given that One Day cricket is supposed to be a stepping-stone of sorts into the Test side, as well as a good way for fans with limited time to enjoy the game, this could be compared to a parent forgetting their childs birthday, or giving them some worn socks for Christmas.

Unlikely to be a gift from CA to One Day cricket

CA has claimed that one of the reasons for scheduling the competition in a one-month period is the lack of available pitches.  This seems bizarre given that they run the game & have access to the best pitches in Australia.  Even the aforementioned Quokkas (arguably the worst cricket team in history, though possibly the best club) can manage to get a ground.

Ryobi can't be best pleased with the value for money they are getting out of sponsoring the competition or its reception with fans and players, which is something other sponsors must be looking at.

Further, the Sheffield Shield competition (the matches played to prepare players for Test cricket) is being interrupted by a period months to allow CA to proudly show the Big Bash to the Australian market without the distraction of the two kids that everyone has been interested in for decades, or centuries.

With the Big Bash starting to make some commercial in-roads at the cost of the other formats of the game, it is almost a certainty that the quality of cricket will decline exponentially with the lack of competition, which will hurt the future of Cricket as a whole. 

To put it another way, the Big Bash's voice is going to break eventually, so it might be time to start thinking past the childrens choir.

This isn't to say that managing and marketing a national sport and three different formats of it is easy, but surely if you want to continue doing so (as in, still have a job), you could look at what works best in the short AND long term and make plans around that?

Former English batsmen Ed Smith recently wrote an excellent column about some simple steps that could be done to ensure interest in cricket, which included some basic Marketing steps around making each game an event. 

The Boxing Day test is one of the biggest sporting days of the year & it wouldn't be impossible to recreate this interest or awareness in other cricket matches, much in the same way that the AFL hs themed rounds, or soccer has about a million different competitions / cups?

Then again, maybe Cricket Australia just really hates cricket and is managing its execution through some excellent ineptness.

CA, inspired by John Candy movies since 1975